Mini Me

Looking like your parent is one of those double edged swords.  While there is comfort in similarities, to be too much like a parent, in both look and behavior can be unsettling.  As the parent in this situation, it can be flattering to be compared to my daughter, but probably is not so flattering for her.  


She recently cut her hair to a length that's closer to mine, and as a result, our features that are similar to each other were enhanced.  There have been several comments regarding how much we look alike, and the other day she told me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend regarding whether we act alike as well.  I really didn't know what to expect from the discussion.  The reality is when we have issues or concerns with the behaviors of others, too often it's because there is a shared behavior.  The person who is critical is aware of that other person's problem behavior, but are frequently unaware that they are guilty of the same as well.  


I was afraid that was the turn we were going to take while talking.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that she agrees we have behaviors in common, and the traits she identified did not seem to be negative.  I know I'm extremely proud, and genuinely grateful for the daughter I have.  Part of that I know is because like me, she is people focused, and always thinking.  She finds and appreciates joy in the little things, and has a tremendous sense of humor.  It was a pleasant surprise to find she does not object to those ties that bind, and make us more alike than different.   But to hear her articulate that approval was very special.  


I've told her since she was small all the things I wish someone had told me growing up.  It's not that I had bad experiences with my own mother growing up, but I know we never shared the kind of experiences and conversations Molly and I have shared.  I know that she never told me what to expect in different life experiences, and that motivated me to give feedback and insight for Molly to reduce the stress or worries that accompany the unfamiliar.  I told her all that seemed important to know so that she could and would grow up with self confidence and awareness of others and their struggles, and hopefully avoid some of those life altering situations that you can never take back.


It's not with pride that I realize when I was her age I was already married and a mother.  I cannot regret those decisions then because they have led to who I am today, but it was a hard way to grow up.  Immediately.  And with the welfare of a brand new life for whom you have total care and responsibility to add to the load.  While I know she plans to have a long term relationship and children, she knows there are things she should do in her life first.  To a certain degree I wonder if through her I live the life I should have had; focused on college and myself before focusing on anyone else.  I cannot change the path I've taken, but I can help to direct her through the forks and turns in her path to ensure she has the spectacular life I know she has waiting.  


For now, I'll quietly revel in the comments about how much we are alike.  I won't make her resent the fact that she looks like her mother, and I look like my mother.  I want her to always be happy with where she's come from, and continue to maintain the life of service to others I've helped to cultivate in her.  The fact that she looks like me is ego swelling.  The fact that she is who she is as a person is heart swelling.  

Working Her Way To a Job

The ordeal of the summer had been obtaining a job.  She managed to find a really good job in a bakery opening in town, and with her bubbling personality, the job seemed a natural fit.  It would have been a good fit, but the bakery was not as organized getting opened as planned.  Or lack of planning, as it turns out, when they did get open....


Molly found herself in an ethical dilemma.  She had been clear when hired that she was a college student, and needed to have a job to help defray her expenses.  Making the decision to stay at home this first year was a good decision for all the right reasons.  She saved lots of money, she was here while her dad was going through his medical ordeal, and she got to be here as an adult, since she was out of high school.  It's been win/win to have her home this semester, but it was frustrating knowing how hard she was trying to get some hours to work.


The bakery had had several false starts in getting fully open.  Part of it was beyond their control when important equipment, such as their fountain, did not arrive as expected.  But part of it was that it was a family business, and when nit got down to grit, non family members were shorted on hours.  Translation: college students such as Molly got few hours, if any.


Her dilemma has been in trying to maintain her loyalty to a job that was only providing frustration, and not a paycheck.  In reality, if the bakery had opened as planned, community support would have been there to keep things flowing.  That didn't happen, and customers who did come in were frequently disappointed to find they couldn't get what they had come in for.   So week after week Molly went in checking for hours, and talking to them about keeping her on the schedule.


Since she's now in adultville, and no longer living in kiddeeland, I have to try to steer the conversation to her choices and preferences, because she needs to make her own decisions.  I think it's fine that we can provide feedback, or give some insight into different situations, but ultimately she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.


She made the decision to apply elsewhere, which is the recommendation I would have given her.  It's just unfortunate that she wasted so many months of work time waiting for her employers to get their collective acts together so she could work where she had been given a job.  On the plus side for her, she's applying at a chain which has a restaurant in the town where she will transfer next year.  If she gets the job, and does a good job, she'll have the opportunity to transfer and work there as well.  


Her first semester of college is almost over, and working more might not have allowed her to do as well as she is doing.  She's acknowledged that she feels she has a better understanding of what she's in for when she does move away to college.  I like knowing she feels better prepared, and knowing she's right.  But it won't be the same when she does eventually leave.  Especially now that she's lived with us on an adult level.  Her plan is to work more next semester and get prepared to moved.  I think she's on the right track.

And When Is It I Get to Leave Again?

Molly keeps me in continual guessing mode about what's going through her head at any particular moment.  After Terry had gone to bed the other night, and I thought she was headed that direction as well, she bounced back into the living room telling me there was something she wanted to talk about.


Needless to say I was prepared to hear about anything and everything.  What she wanted to talk about was whether she really would be able to go away to college and not live at home at some point in the future.  I was hoping she wasn't having regrets about her decision.  She had made the decision to go to a community college here in town to start and live at home herself several months ago.  Now that friends are starting to talk about their plans for heading out I wonder if she isn't sorry she won't be one of them.


In talking with her, she commented that she wasn't sure if she could have handled that first year away from home, because she was concerned she might not have the self discipline and focus to be as successful as she can.  She still comprehends the money part of it all, and is still seeing this first year as a way to save money while still getting credit hours.    


It's too late to go back and change things, but she also realizes too late that her grades should have been a higher priority.  She is more than capable, but has the ability to second guess herself. She knows the time to buckle down and get serious is here.  She wants to take the ACT again, which I think is a great idea, to see if she can't get her score up to increase chances with KU's nursing program.  While the end result of obtaining her BSN is the goal and can be accomplished through numerous avenues, we both think it would be incredibly cool for her to graduate there as well.  She would be third generation and that would be very special.


We also discussed the situation of not having a job yet.  It hasn't been as big an issue with me given what's gone on with her dad this summer.  It's been a big relief to have her here when I went back to work after his surgery.  It gave her a purpose and gave me comfort knowing another pair of eyes were seeing what happened with him.  She was responsible for taking his blood pressure and temperature each day.  The last thing he needs is another infection to deal with, so she's being the personal nurse he needs for now.  She knows when some kids go off to college it will open up some positions so the job search will go on.


She's not going anywhere for now, but it's even more apparent how badly she wants to, and I cannot blame her.  I'm really glad to know she continues to contemplate these things.  It's her life.  She needs to know where it's headed.  

We Survived; Molly Thrived...

So much has happened since the last posting.  Graduation, and all that comes with it, is over.  Everything, that is, except the thank you notes.  They are completed but not yet mailed.  She's getting close and working on getting a job, so it's acceptable.  For now...


Her graduation was a special day.  With Molly as the "baby" of the family, when she finishes one phase of her life, it's the last time we go through that with our children.  We'll go through it with their children, but it's not the same.  As a grandparent you don't have the same responsibility for getting kids to those milestones.  You're along for the ride.  So it was more than a little bittersweet for me knowing that the last hurdle of being a dependent child fell away when she graduated from high school.  There are no more illusions of any kind left.  Molly is officially an adult.... (long sigh; tear in eye).  As much as you want your child to grow up and experience life, when it really happens it's incredibly hard to believe.


She relished her role as the holder of the special day status.  That's not to say she wasn't gracious and appreciative of everything done for her, because she was.  But she knew the day was all about her, and she was right.  She looked beautiful and was smart enough to enjoy everything that transpired.  Her grandmother is only two years younger than MY grandmother, and I had long since given up hope that Molly would get one of Ethel's quilts for graduation.  She made it during Molly's first year of life, and held onto it until graduation.  It was a wonderful surprise for all of us.


She's had a week since graduation, and put letters in the mail today looking for a job.  It would be too perfect to find a job within the health care field, since that's the direction she's taking for college classes, so I'm not sure at what point we decide any job is enough.  Maybe we'll know it when we get there.


So for now, the new adventure we're all on is Molly's job search as she begins life as a college student.  She made the decision to stay home for the first year, so we'll get to go along, one more time, for the ride that is Molly Kaye.  High School Graduate.  Eventual College Graduate.  She keeps it all going, enjoying the trip along the way.  

Time For Slack

I've struggled all day and know why.  Last night was the awards presentation for seniors.  I went knowing Molly wasn't going to receive anything, because two days before I realized we hadn't applied for anything.  And by "we" I mean Molly, but know I should have been on top of this to keep reminding her to get it done.


And while I fully accept that it is Molly's responsible to get this all done, it's my responsibility as her mom to make sure she does get it all done.  I've been so preoccupied and focused on Terry and his health that I let those deadlines get past me.  While it's somewhat naive of me, I've tried very hard to make sure Molly's life has not been upended as she finishes high school.  Life is tough enough these days, and knowing what's going on with her dad adds to what I'm afraid is becoming a heavy mental load.  I've tried to keep her world as calm as I can, even when it puts additional stress on me to make that happen.  Last night revealed my inability to keep it all together.


I really felt I had let her down by not having her recognized for her efforts.  She may not have had the grades some of her peers did, but hands down she has been a person of worth who has been reliable and dependable with her commitments.  As someone who has served on numerous boards and committees, that is no inconsequential consideration.  I must admit I was very proud of her for going, even though she knew she wouldn't be awarded any scholarships.  To be there to support her friends shows the kind of person she is, and that kind of person is who I'm glad my daughter chooses to be.  


It was a valuable example to me that I cannot do it all, and I need to cut myself some slack.  If I can accept that everything that's going on is too much for Molly, then I need to be as mindful of my own potential to crash and burn.  If Molly crashes and burns I can help pick up the pieces.  If I crash and burn we all suffer.  It's just that simple.


So today, I am disappointed in myself for letting Molly down.  I know tomorrow will be another day, and a better day, and I can try all over again to things to the best of my ability.  It's all I can ask of myself right now.  It should be enough...

Countdown to the End

Tomorrow is the last day of April.  Next month is the last month of school and graduation.  It does not seem possible it's finally arrived, even though it seems like the day before yesterday when she headed off to kindergarten.


With the end of the year comes end of the year activities.  Prom was last Saturday, and was a lot of fun for the whole family.  Terry borrowed a '69 Cadillac Convertible that was perfect for the tie dyed clothes they made to wear for prom.  Older sisters Charlotte and Sandy showed up with their families at my mom's for pictures, and it was a genuinely happy time.  The car and the flowers and the clothes and the family all combined to be a memorable experience that appealed to all ages, surprisingly enough.  


I'm making Molly's announcements, and working on them makes it seem more real as well.  There is Senior Recognition next week, and the senior soccer game the week after that.  The third, and final week brings the soccer banquet and graduation.  If I blink it will all be over.  


I suppose with what's going on with her dad right now I've been a bit distracted with how quickly this is crashing in on us.  I can't do much about his situation right now, as we're in wait and see mode, so I think I should focus on her for a while now.  It's always good to focus on the positives and the good stuff, and seeing Molly successfully through 13 years of school and the beginning of her college years seems worth celebrating.  


She's been chomping at the bit for most of the year for it to be over, and she's about to get her wish.  Even though it's been a while for me now since I graduated from high school, I can still remember the excitement and the impatience to get it over and finished.  It is no less for her.


So, for the next three weeks I'll take lots of pictures and do all I can to create lasting memories.  My baby is no longer a baby, and is ready to achieve one of the first rites of passage in graduating from high school.  Can we just slow it down a little bit?  Just a bit....? 

What It Means To be the Youngest

For the fourth time in ten years, I had to have a serious conversation with Molly about the health of her dad. As the youngest of Terry's three daughters, she's borne the brunt of the changes that occurred since he had his heart attack. She was the only one left at home, barely eight, and in the second grade when that happened.

He had been in the hospital for about three days the first time she saw him then. I had one of the nurses count for me, and he had 25 wires, tubes, lines, and attachments to his body and various pieces of medical equipment. It was pretty overwhelming to me as an adult, and I tried to prepare her for what she would see. I told her that all of those lines had a role in getting her dad better so he could come home.

A few weeks after he returned home, I learned she was waking him up when she got home from school. My first inclination was to remind her that he needed his rest, but I began to think about what it was that prompted her to do that. It didn't take long to realize she was making sure he was okay. She didn't have to wonder if he was only sleeping if she woke him up. One afternoon, on the way home, I asked her what she would do if she tried to wake Daddy and he didn't wake up. She smiled at me and said she'd call me at the office. I asked her if she remembered that sometimes I was in meetings and hard to get in touch with, and, not that I EVER thought it would happen, but if Daddy didn't wake up she should call 911, and then my office. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, but all the while I was trying to reassure her that she wouldn't have to ever do that, I was really hoping that neither of us ever had to call.

Four years later when he had a 46 day hospitalization, it began at our local hospital with them not being able to initially figure out the problem. He'd been getting increasingly sick and weak in the past week, with two ER visits and an office call to our doctor. By the time he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't walk, and was fearful it was something neurological. When Molly and I got home from the hospital that first night, her bravado melted when I asked her how she was. I held her while she cried, worried about her dad, trying to reassure her he would be okay, not really knowing myself if he would be or not. When it was determined he was full blown septic due to a staph infection that had invaded his heart chamber, he had open heart surgery and a 46 day hospitalization. She was in the 6th grade by this time, and I did what I could to keep her world as stable as possible, while mine felt like it was spinning wildly out of control.

Flash forward six years, and once again I'm debating what I say to her and when. She's lived the past ten years with a different dad than her sisters had. Her dad, who never once used his physical condition as an excuse, and who tried to be involved and interested in her pursuits, had limitations. He tired easily, and riding in the car for very long was uncomfortable. He didn't always make it to away games or events. And when the retching and vomiting problems started more than five years ago, that meant no plans were final. They were dependent on his condition and whether I needed to be close by. She's lived with worry and concern for him every day for the past ten years, because she's the one who's witnessed and experienced it on a daily basis. She graduates from high school next month, and there was real fear on my part at one point that he wouldn't be here for that. That part has been a blessing. He has been here to witness her metamorphosis from child to young adult, with all that encompasses.

Now comes the news that he may have cancer metastasizing in multiple locations in his body. I really struggled with when to tell her. Do I wait until we know without a doubt what's going on? Do I not treat her like the adult she wants to be? No...she's a member of the family and lives in this house... she needs to know for her sake what's going on. And when I talked to her she confirmed that. She does want to know whatever we know when we know it.

In talking to her, she confides that her greatest fear is her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle when that day comes....and I can't promise her he will. But I can promise her that despite whatever does come our way, it can never be an excuse for her to not live up to her potential in life. Her dad will not want her giving up or giving in if he's gone. He knows how special she is too, and wants her to have the life she can make for herself.

So while she's on the road to adulthood, she's still our baby. She's lived through more in her short time than many adults have, but it's helped shape her to be the person she is. She is empathetic and compassionate, and is committing to a life of helping people as a nurse. Whether her dad is here to see the rest of her life or not, he's helped lay the foundation for who she became as a person. Thankfully for her, and for all of us, he's been here for her and her sisters in that regard. They are old enough that he will always be with them in their hearts, when he's no longer here for them. Even Molly as the baby of the family will have strong and wonderful memories that will help her get through her life. Wish I could be sure she'd have more than memories, but with all he's been through already, I'm grateful for that much.

There Is No "I" in Team

The girls' soccer season is in full swing now, with three games already played. The last two games have been tough, both mentally and physically.

The wind is blowing in Kansas. That's what the wind does around here. But when you have 80 minutes of soccer played in it, you're continually battling the whole time you're out there, whether it's on the field or on the bench. The game last night was an away game, on a bus so overcrowded they couldn't take their book bags. They played state contenders from last year's season, and went into the game knowing it would be tough. The bus got back after 10:00 last night, so any girls who had homework not yet done still had to put time in before heading to bed.

Today was round two of windzilla, on their home field. Their first game of the season was a tie, the second game was a loss, and they really wanted to win at home. They didn't. They've already got one player with a torn ACL who is out for the season, and a goalie who was sick and unable to play.

When Molly got home she asked what I thought of the game. I finally had to ask what she wanted me to say, because I wasn't sure. She's feeling frustration that as a senior, there are underclassmen who are not taking things as seriously as she would like. She wants to win and wants the team to be successful, and knows for her and the other seniors, this is the last chance.

Molly is not a long time soccer player. Quite the opposite. Aside from playing when she was four and five, she didn't play until her junior year. Even though it was her first year of competitive play in soccer, she was awarded the leadership award last year. I think she's trying to figure out what she needs to do to get certain girls motivated and playing to the level of their potential.

Leadership is a difficult ship to navigate. While we hope we function as role models for the behavior we'd like to see in others, the reality is that sometimes the subtlety of leading by example is too subtle. Sometimes you have to call behaviors for what they are.

Molly is taking 3 hours through the community college, playing soccer, and getting ready to start the rest of her life. She's taking the pressure of the demands in stride so far, but the journey is so much more enjoyable as part of a team when everyone is on the same page. When there are frustrations with one facet of your life, it's too easy to let those negatives overshadow the positives. Only three games into the season is too early to get frustrated.

I'm not sure she thinks she should take the lead in getting some of the girls jumping because she doesn't have the seniority of being on the team for many years. But Molly has more tact than she realizes, because too often she chooses not to employ that tact. The Irish in her is validated by her ability to cut to the heart of the matter in discussions at times, so if she can figure out what she wants to say, she'll do well. She just needs to figure out for herself what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. Then it's all good.....

As frustrating as team sports can be at times, it's a good life lesson for what's coming down her road. She will always have to depend on others in both her personal and professional lives. It's good to start learning early that you won't always agree with how someone else conducts herself. You just need to know how to work with them in a manner that is productive for all parties involved. And she is more than capable of making that happen. With girls...you go!!

Every Parent's Nightmare

The kids got their collective acts together, and made the trip to the coast in Alabama for spring break. They had obstacle after obstacle in getting there, including having a traveler cancel at the last minute, the person they were staying with Sunday night before they could get into their hotel on Monday working Sunday night and therefore being unavailable at her home, getting hit from behind once they arrived, and not having someone who was 21 there to check into the rooms for them. They adjusted plans and made the trip and had a great time getting there.

Unfortunately, the weather here was not cooperating. We knew there was a major snow headed this way for the weekend when they would be returning, and each day's report brought a higher snowfall amount we would receive. I had encouraged them to come north and then across Missouri on I-70, but because they weren't witnessing any inclement weather they seemed to underscore the potential danger of what they might be heading into.

Molly knew it would be late when they got in, and wanted to see her boyfriend, so was just planning to stay in town. The phone rang before six this morning, with a distraught mother on the phone. Because Molly let me know when she made it back, I had no reason to know there was a problem. There was. Two of the kids had left more than four hours later than the other vehicle.

I was keeping in touch by text and cell phone, but had no idea the vehicles were traveling separately. When I answered the phone, the mother on the other end was trying desperately not to let the possibilities consume her with what might have happened to the two kids. She knew the cell phone one of them had was going dead due to a low battery, so when the call went dead while she was talking to them, she initially thought it was simply the phone dying and they would be home in a matter of hours. That didn't happen, and she began calling parents to see if we knew anything.

I called Molly, and gave the mom Molly's number so she could contact her, and convinced myself that had there been an accident or a serious problem the families would have been notified. It was unbearable to think about the potential for pain and heartache that might lie ahead. I found myself in tears all morning worried about two kids who weren't even mine. But the worst part was knowing that my child was safe, and someone else's wasn't, and that I was so selfishly glad my child was safe.

I explained to her that it's every parent's nightmare that something terrible could happen to your child. You expect to lose your parents, and older family members and friends, but parents should never have to bury a child. There can be no greater pain, nor any greater suffering that can occur than a parent losing a child.

I learned at 1:47 this afternoon that the two weary stragglers did in fact make it home. The sense of relief I felt was indescribable. I was relieved that they, too, had made it home safe, but I was also relieved to know I didn't have to feel guilty that my child was safe. Molly had gone to school with one of them since kindergarten, and even went to the same daycare provider after morning classes in kindergarten. She had flirted with the idea of dating the other one, so these kids are part of our lives. They had gone off the road, and were lucky it was no worse than it was. Hopefully we parents won't have to endure that emotional trauma again for some time to come....it wears me out.

Broken Spring Break

Spring break officially starts on Friday...unless you play or support basketball and you are at the state tournament, or you play girls' soccer. If you play soccer, then you're aware that your coach cares not whether the boys are at state, or folks have plans to get going for spring break. You know you'll be at practice at the same old time, even though school is being dismissed early so students can travel to the tournament.

Molly's days were pretty much scheduled out until Sunday, which is departure day for spring break. She has soccer practice tomorrow, scrimmage on Friday, all day Forensics tournament on Saturday, and leaving at 7 am on Sunday is the plan. Six other seniors, four girls and three guys in total, were planning to head to the gulf coast for a week of fun. Word came today that one of the guys has decided against going, and now there is much discussion and discontent. The cost goes up for everyone, and there has been conversation about whether they are even still planning to go.

I've tried to gently explain that such is the way of being grown up. You make plans, and you have a notion in your head about what's going to happen, and then....it doesn't. For whatever reason, the anticipated plans are different than the actualized event. But that doesn't mean that the real experience has to be less than the expected experience. She just needs to understand that most things in life will not turn out as planned, and tis much better in the long run to know that you will have to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes, but that's alright. If you're willing to roll with the punches, you will find it much easier to go with the flow when necessary. Too much inflexibility ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, and it's so much easier to be willing to see what happens along the road of life.

Tomorrow will be a day of decision. It will be interesting to see how the group proceeds from here. Will they make lemonade from the lemons of disappointment and additional cost, or will they suffer the stings of the lemons as they dither in indecision? Time will tell....

It's All Good

I sometimes worry that Molly's expectations for herself are too high. It's not that I think that high expectations are a bad thing, but I am concerned about the self imposed pressure Molly puts on herself, as a result. And it's because it is self imposed is why II get concerned. She doesn't always recognize and accept that her stress and worry is unnecessary.

She had a Forensics meet yesterday and participated in the Extemporaneous field. It is very difficult to do well in that event because you don't know ahead of time what the question to answer will be, so it's extremely hard to be practiced and prepared. If she consumes information from various sources on various topics she'll be well informed enough to do well. But it's not like having a prepared piece that can be committed to memory and well rehearsed beforehand.

Shouldn't the fact that she medaled in an event that is difficult be enough for her, even if it wasn't a first, second, or third place finish? I worry that pressure to excel, even in the face of doing good work, will cause her to become discouraged and potentially lose interest in activities she thinks she should ace. I want her to do as well as she can, but I also want her to realize that sometimes her best will not be as good as someone else's best. That doesn't mean she shouldn't try or shouldn't participate, but I know she doesn't want to fail.

I know that when she gets older she will look back on these trials and tribulations and wonder why she let herself get so torqued. But it's easy to look back and know how things really were. It's more difficult, but infinitely more rewarding, when you can recognize what's happening at the time. And that's going to have to come with time....and experience.

Rolling With New Wheels!

Molly took another step today towards adulthood...she's in debt!! We found a car for her that has payments, and when soccer and graduation are over, she'll assume those payments when she starts working. It's nothing extravagant, but compared to the car she was driving that was at least at old as she was (both from the year 1991; but Molly arrived in December and so is probably the younger of the two!), it's a dream....

It was an incredible life lesson for her to see how the whole process works, and why buying a new car is so much more than just the price on the sticker. I'm hopeful it encourages her to watch her spending in the future and motivates her to want to take really good care of it. Had she memorized her Social Security Number as she's been told she should, her name could have gone on the title as well, and that would have been a good start on building credit in her own name.

She has had control of a debit card to an account I have online access to and can monitor for a couple of years now. Earlier, when learning how to manage the card responsibly, she managed to exceed her funds, and was charged an overdraft or two...for the same day, which added up and got her attention. I've tried to give her exposure to different experiences so she has a better idea of how to be a fiscally responsible adult. She told us last night she would prefer to take a year at the community college for some more core classes she's required to have, and part of the incentive for that decision is cost. I like what I hear her reasoning out in coming to her decisions, and feel confident she's going to be an accountable adult where her money is concerned.

I certainly hope she will be, anyway!! I'd like to think my days of financial responsibility for her are numbered. Conservatively spending money from her college fund is a great way to validate I'm on my way to that!!

Sleepless Nights...Again

So we've hit the point where Molly is both a senior and 18. Dangerous territory for parents...I still must call the school if she has a doctor's appointment or will be absent, but she could legally join the military or get married if she chose, and I'd have nothing to say about it. Dangerous territory...wanting to be adult and grown up, but not always possessing the life experiences to make all of the right decisions, all of the time. Obviously, being all grown up does not guarantee making all of the right decisions all of the time, but it does increase the odds...

The challenge we keep encountering is her need for independence and my need to know she's safe. I trust her judgment and know she is capable of doing the right thing. But when you live in the country, and you know there are animals on the road at night, it's a safety concern for me as her mom. The raccoons and possums that come out at night are bad enough, but the deer can cause major accidents that increase the odds of injury. Or worse. While on an intellectual level I'm sure she does know I just want her safe, on an emotional level I can't help but think she feels I'm trying to control her.

When she's late coming home, the porch light is left on, which I can see from the bedroom. When she comes home, she turns it off, and then I'm able to tell she's made it home safely. It's just hard to make her understand how difficult it is for me to sleep knowing she's not home. It's not that she wants to stay out late that bothers me; it's not knowing when she'll leave town to head home that keeps me restless and sleepless. I try to sleep but find myself sitting up to check for the light.

I wonder if it will be easier when she's not here anymore, and I don't have to know when she's home or not. I'm not altogether sure that brings me much comfort, though. I know the day is coming when whether she stays or goes, and where she stays of goes will be her choice. I'll have my nights for sleeping back, but I'm not looking forward to it. For these last few precious months I'll try to remember that if I'm not sleeping well checking to see if the light's off, it means she's still here at home. I'll try to forget that sooner than I wish that light won't be left on anymore.

When to Advise and When to Listen

There is no question that Molly is ready and rearing to go, blazing into adulthood and her future...despite that, there are times when the weight of the responsibility of growing up and being responsible for herself really can really make her second guess her plans and ability to see them through...I'm trying not to influence her decision, but give her whatever feedback she's looking for to validate what she's feeling.

Fortunately, she has options available to her. She spoke of feeling overwhelmed today thinking about heading to college...to be honest, I think I'd have more concern if she DIDN'T express concerns for being able to handle it successfully. She spoke about discussions in class about the percentage of freshmen who don't make it. Couple that with the fact she's taken some credit hours now and has a better expectation of what is to come, and I'm very hopeful she'll be wise enough to make the right kind of decisions.

At dinner tonight we talked to her about the simple basics of college that can make or break you, and it's all determined by what she choses to do. We explained that just going to class is a biggie, and a major factor in whether kids succeed or fail. And going to class is entirely up to her and the choices she makes. We let her know she can stay here at home for a semester or more, or she can start classes somewhere other than KU. It has to be about what works for her. If she gets frustrated or overwhelmed too quickly in the experience, she may not want to see it through. She's smart enough to know without a college education behind her she's going to have a tough future. We have to be smart enough to help make that happen for her.

When we went to KU Med yesterday to start with Terry's appointments, I saw nurses walking around the hospital and kept thinking to myself in just a couple of years she can be one of them...it was such a powerful realization that I was surprised at how I felt. Becoming a nurse is something Molly and I have talked about for a while. She is literally but months away from making that goal and dream a reality. I wish I could slow down the clock to make it all last a little longer, but know I can't. All I can do now is hope all we've done is what should have been done...too late now if it's not.

It's Alright to Cry, Isn't It?

Because we're coming into that home stretch with Molly in her final semester at school, the distinctions between what she's experiencing, and what I'm experiencing as she spreads her wings to fly become more apparent...she jokingly asks me if I'm going to cry at her graduation, and it's hard not to choke up answering the question now.

It's hard to know what my emotional soup is composed of these days...in no small way, the thought of Molly being on her own in the world is the primary driver of my emotional status. I trust her choices and her actions, but the rest of the world is the problem...and she is chomping at the bit to join that world...

I also recognize that because Josh chose to forgo the bulk of his high school career, I am living those parental experiences for both of them through her...I so enjoyed being involved at prom last year with her, and the preparation for graduation and the transition to college has been fun to be a part of and experience. I know it's rapidly coming to an end, and before long she'll be gone...

I acknowledge that any tears are for me...for the loss I know I'll initially feel when she's gone, even though I know she's only making the change to the next step in our relationship and her life....it's inevitable, and I've known it's coming, but I'm still not ready....I know at some point I'll have to quit thinking of her as my baby...but not quite yet. For the next four months, she doesn't get to be grown up...not just yet

The Proof is in the Pudding

When you really love someone and want to see the best in them, it's easy to see what it is you want to see, and not necessarily what is there and real...Molly's plans for nursing began with a small seed I helped to plant for her...based on previous aptitude tests she took, she is well suited for the medical field....she is an empathetic and compassionate soul, and there is no doubt that a bachelor's degree in nursing is the cornerstone for Molly having a spectacular life...it's a profession she can make as little or as much of as she'd like to...

So when I hear of the massive devastation in Haiti, and I think I wish I had a had a skill to help alleviate the suffering, I think to myself that someday Molly will be in a position to help....but then I begin to wonder if this is my dream for her, or what she really wants to do....she comes home from school telling me they've been discussing the earthquake and the effects being felt, and that she wishes she was already an RN so she could go and help....then I realize she is this incredible creature who keeps becoming the person I knew she was going to be....wanting to be a person who makes a positive impact in this world...as a parent, there is NOTHING more than that I would want her to aspire to in her life...to want to help others and make a difference is the greatest use of a life I can imagine...and what would this world be if all were like her?

The proof is there...she is special...and I never doubted it....

Mom as Cheerleader

If I've ever wondered about my role as cheerleader, some news from last year's testing came in the mail....as Molly's gone through school, Terry and I have provided a nice balance for assistance with her classes...he excels in the sciences and math, and I can help with everything else...

Writing, however, she has always tried to maintain is her weakness....she automatically balks at the writing assignments and tells herself she cannot do it....I spend much of the writing assignment doing the rah rah to keep her working...well... the results came in yesterday that she had scored in the "exemplary" range in last year's state writing skills assessment....she didn't just do well, she scored in the highest range there was....I told her if she only believed herself what I believed about her capabilities she would have a much easier time of it...the hardest critic of Molly is Molly, and the most pressure comes from her...it's a challenge sometimes keeping her focused so she doesn't give up on it before she starts...

And THAT is one of my concerns as she prepares for college....I know the support I provide to her in encouraging and supporting her and what she needs to do...I worry about the negative pressure she'll put on herself when she's on her own and feeling the stress...I don't want her talking herself out of the game from the get go...she will have an incredible life if she can achieve her goals, and she can achieve her goals if she realizes she can do it....

The rah rah goes on....

Walking the Line

My time as a day to day mom is quickly coming to an end...I'm not sure what I'll do...I've been a mom longer than anything else I've done in my adult life, and that includes being married....I was so young when Josh was born, and in many ways, we grew up together...his dad was gone a lot and he was always a kid who was older than his years....

With Molly, it's been an opportunity to put into action what I learned with Josh...different kids, with different needs, and they couldn't have been more different....but a girl was the opposite of what I'd experienced so far as a mom, and I wanted to be able to share with her all the insight and wisdom in life I wish I'd had when I was younger...I see the person she's become, and hope that I've had a hand in that by giving her the tools to be successful and self confident....

So we begin our last semester with her at home before heading off to college, and I find myself on shifting sand on a daily basis...she's amused by my self acknowledged sentimentality and knows I'll be a weepy emotional mess by the time graduation arrives, but she has no concept of how hard it hits me on an increasingly regular basis....

Part of me is so excited for her because I know the life she has ahead of her will be so special, just as she is...that part of my emotional roller coaster is good...then the reality of knowing she'll be out in the world where there are people whose motives and actions are less than honorable, and all that gets thrown to the side...all I can think about at those times is how I can keep her at home when she goes to college so I know where she is each and every night, and I know that's for me, not for her....so I walk the line, trying to find the balance between holding on and letting go...knowing the holding on is for me, and the letting go is for her....

While we keep going about our daily lives, I try to be mindful of the experiences that will bring smiles to me later when I think of them...times like the past couple of days, painting her room, again, and singing along to TLC or Foreigner....those times are my validation that as I loosen my hold as mom, I can keep holding on as a friend...I'll take whatever I can get to keep her close to me as she continues to grow up and away from home....