He had been in the hospital for about three days the first time she saw him then. I had one of the nurses count for me, and he had 25 wires, tubes, lines, and attachments to his body and various pieces of medical equipment. It was pretty overwhelming to me as an adult, and I tried to prepare her for what she would see. I told her that all of those lines had a role in getting her dad better so he could come home.
A few weeks after he returned home, I learned she was waking him up when she got home from school. My first inclination was to remind her that he needed his rest, but I began to think about what it was that prompted her to do that. It didn't take long to realize she was making sure he was okay. She didn't have to wonder if he was only sleeping if she woke him up. One afternoon, on the way home, I asked her what she would do if she tried to wake Daddy and he didn't wake up. She smiled at me and said she'd call me at the office. I asked her if she remembered that sometimes I was in meetings and hard to get in touch with, and, not that I EVER thought it would happen, but if Daddy didn't wake up she should call 911, and then my office. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, but all the while I was trying to reassure her that she wouldn't have to ever do that, I was really hoping that neither of us ever had to call.
Four years later when he had a 46 day hospitalization, it began at our local hospital with them not being able to initially figure out the problem. He'd been getting increasingly sick and weak in the past week, with two ER visits and an office call to our doctor. By the time he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't walk, and was fearful it was something neurological. When Molly and I got home from the hospital that first night, her bravado melted when I asked her how she was. I held her while she cried, worried about her dad, trying to reassure her he would be okay, not really knowing myself if he would be or not. When it was determined he was full blown septic due to a staph infection that had invaded his heart chamber, he had open heart surgery and a 46 day hospitalization. She was in the 6th grade by this time, and I did what I could to keep her world as stable as possible, while mine felt like it was spinning wildly out of control.
Flash forward six years, and once again I'm debating what I say to her and when. She's lived the past ten years with a different dad than her sisters had. Her dad, who never once used his physical condition as an excuse, and who tried to be involved and interested in her pursuits, had limitations. He tired easily, and riding in the car for very long was uncomfortable. He didn't always make it to away games or events. And when the retching and vomiting problems started more than five years ago, that meant no plans were final. They were dependent on his condition and whether I needed to be close by. She's lived with worry and concern for him every day for the past ten years, because she's the one who's witnessed and experienced it on a daily basis. She graduates from high school next month, and there was real fear on my part at one point that he wouldn't be here for that. That part has been a blessing. He has been here to witness her metamorphosis from child to young adult, with all that encompasses.
Now comes the news that he may have cancer metastasizing in multiple locations in his body. I really struggled with when to tell her. Do I wait until we know without a doubt what's going on? Do I not treat her like the adult she wants to be? No...she's a member of the family and lives in this house... she needs to know for her sake what's going on. And when I talked to her she confirmed that. She does want to know whatever we know when we know it.
In talking to her, she confides that her greatest fear is her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle when that day comes....and I can't promise her he will. But I can promise her that despite whatever does come our way, it can never be an excuse for her to not live up to her potential in life. Her dad will not want her giving up or giving in if he's gone. He knows how special she is too, and wants her to have the life she can make for herself.
So while she's on the road to adulthood, she's still our baby. She's lived through more in her short time than many adults have, but it's helped shape her to be the person she is. She is empathetic and compassionate, and is committing to a life of helping people as a nurse. Whether her dad is here to see the rest of her life or not, he's helped lay the foundation for who she became as a person. Thankfully for her, and for all of us, he's been here for her and her sisters in that regard. They are old enough that he will always be with them in their hearts, when he's no longer here for them. Even Molly as the baby of the family will have strong and wonderful memories that will help her get through her life. Wish I could be sure she'd have more than memories, but with all he's been through already, I'm grateful for that much.
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