Walking the Line

My time as a day to day mom is quickly coming to an end...I'm not sure what I'll do...I've been a mom longer than anything else I've done in my adult life, and that includes being married....I was so young when Josh was born, and in many ways, we grew up together...his dad was gone a lot and he was always a kid who was older than his years....

With Molly, it's been an opportunity to put into action what I learned with Josh...different kids, with different needs, and they couldn't have been more different....but a girl was the opposite of what I'd experienced so far as a mom, and I wanted to be able to share with her all the insight and wisdom in life I wish I'd had when I was younger...I see the person she's become, and hope that I've had a hand in that by giving her the tools to be successful and self confident....

So we begin our last semester with her at home before heading off to college, and I find myself on shifting sand on a daily basis...she's amused by my self acknowledged sentimentality and knows I'll be a weepy emotional mess by the time graduation arrives, but she has no concept of how hard it hits me on an increasingly regular basis....

Part of me is so excited for her because I know the life she has ahead of her will be so special, just as she is...that part of my emotional roller coaster is good...then the reality of knowing she'll be out in the world where there are people whose motives and actions are less than honorable, and all that gets thrown to the side...all I can think about at those times is how I can keep her at home when she goes to college so I know where she is each and every night, and I know that's for me, not for her....so I walk the line, trying to find the balance between holding on and letting go...knowing the holding on is for me, and the letting go is for her....

While we keep going about our daily lives, I try to be mindful of the experiences that will bring smiles to me later when I think of them...times like the past couple of days, painting her room, again, and singing along to TLC or Foreigner....those times are my validation that as I loosen my hold as mom, I can keep holding on as a friend...I'll take whatever I can get to keep her close to me as she continues to grow up and away from home....