Looking like your parent is one of those double edged swords. While there is comfort in similarities, to be too much like a parent, in both look and behavior can be unsettling. As the parent in this situation, it can be flattering to be compared to my daughter, but probably is not so flattering for her.
She recently cut her hair to a length that's closer to mine, and as a result, our features that are similar to each other were enhanced. There have been several comments regarding how much we look alike, and the other day she told me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend regarding whether we act alike as well. I really didn't know what to expect from the discussion. The reality is when we have issues or concerns with the behaviors of others, too often it's because there is a shared behavior. The person who is critical is aware of that other person's problem behavior, but are frequently unaware that they are guilty of the same as well.
I was afraid that was the turn we were going to take while talking. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she agrees we have behaviors in common, and the traits she identified did not seem to be negative. I know I'm extremely proud, and genuinely grateful for the daughter I have. Part of that I know is because like me, she is people focused, and always thinking. She finds and appreciates joy in the little things, and has a tremendous sense of humor. It was a pleasant surprise to find she does not object to those ties that bind, and make us more alike than different. But to hear her articulate that approval was very special.
I've told her since she was small all the things I wish someone had told me growing up. It's not that I had bad experiences with my own mother growing up, but I know we never shared the kind of experiences and conversations Molly and I have shared. I know that she never told me what to expect in different life experiences, and that motivated me to give feedback and insight for Molly to reduce the stress or worries that accompany the unfamiliar. I told her all that seemed important to know so that she could and would grow up with self confidence and awareness of others and their struggles, and hopefully avoid some of those life altering situations that you can never take back.
It's not with pride that I realize when I was her age I was already married and a mother. I cannot regret those decisions then because they have led to who I am today, but it was a hard way to grow up. Immediately. And with the welfare of a brand new life for whom you have total care and responsibility to add to the load. While I know she plans to have a long term relationship and children, she knows there are things she should do in her life first. To a certain degree I wonder if through her I live the life I should have had; focused on college and myself before focusing on anyone else. I cannot change the path I've taken, but I can help to direct her through the forks and turns in her path to ensure she has the spectacular life I know she has waiting.
For now, I'll quietly revel in the comments about how much we are alike. I won't make her resent the fact that she looks like her mother, and I look like my mother. I want her to always be happy with where she's come from, and continue to maintain the life of service to others I've helped to cultivate in her. The fact that she looks like me is ego swelling. The fact that she is who she is as a person is heart swelling.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Working Her Way To a Job
The ordeal of the summer had been obtaining a job. She managed to find a really good job in a bakery opening in town, and with her bubbling personality, the job seemed a natural fit. It would have been a good fit, but the bakery was not as organized getting opened as planned. Or lack of planning, as it turns out, when they did get open....
Molly found herself in an ethical dilemma. She had been clear when hired that she was a college student, and needed to have a job to help defray her expenses. Making the decision to stay at home this first year was a good decision for all the right reasons. She saved lots of money, she was here while her dad was going through his medical ordeal, and she got to be here as an adult, since she was out of high school. It's been win/win to have her home this semester, but it was frustrating knowing how hard she was trying to get some hours to work.
The bakery had had several false starts in getting fully open. Part of it was beyond their control when important equipment, such as their fountain, did not arrive as expected. But part of it was that it was a family business, and when nit got down to grit, non family members were shorted on hours. Translation: college students such as Molly got few hours, if any.
Her dilemma has been in trying to maintain her loyalty to a job that was only providing frustration, and not a paycheck. In reality, if the bakery had opened as planned, community support would have been there to keep things flowing. That didn't happen, and customers who did come in were frequently disappointed to find they couldn't get what they had come in for. So week after week Molly went in checking for hours, and talking to them about keeping her on the schedule.
Since she's now in adultville, and no longer living in kiddeeland, I have to try to steer the conversation to her choices and preferences, because she needs to make her own decisions. I think it's fine that we can provide feedback, or give some insight into different situations, but ultimately she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.
She made the decision to apply elsewhere, which is the recommendation I would have given her. It's just unfortunate that she wasted so many months of work time waiting for her employers to get their collective acts together so she could work where she had been given a job. On the plus side for her, she's applying at a chain which has a restaurant in the town where she will transfer next year. If she gets the job, and does a good job, she'll have the opportunity to transfer and work there as well.
Her first semester of college is almost over, and working more might not have allowed her to do as well as she is doing. She's acknowledged that she feels she has a better understanding of what she's in for when she does move away to college. I like knowing she feels better prepared, and knowing she's right. But it won't be the same when she does eventually leave. Especially now that she's lived with us on an adult level. Her plan is to work more next semester and get prepared to moved. I think she's on the right track.
Molly found herself in an ethical dilemma. She had been clear when hired that she was a college student, and needed to have a job to help defray her expenses. Making the decision to stay at home this first year was a good decision for all the right reasons. She saved lots of money, she was here while her dad was going through his medical ordeal, and she got to be here as an adult, since she was out of high school. It's been win/win to have her home this semester, but it was frustrating knowing how hard she was trying to get some hours to work.
The bakery had had several false starts in getting fully open. Part of it was beyond their control when important equipment, such as their fountain, did not arrive as expected. But part of it was that it was a family business, and when nit got down to grit, non family members were shorted on hours. Translation: college students such as Molly got few hours, if any.
Her dilemma has been in trying to maintain her loyalty to a job that was only providing frustration, and not a paycheck. In reality, if the bakery had opened as planned, community support would have been there to keep things flowing. That didn't happen, and customers who did come in were frequently disappointed to find they couldn't get what they had come in for. So week after week Molly went in checking for hours, and talking to them about keeping her on the schedule.
Since she's now in adultville, and no longer living in kiddeeland, I have to try to steer the conversation to her choices and preferences, because she needs to make her own decisions. I think it's fine that we can provide feedback, or give some insight into different situations, but ultimately she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.
She made the decision to apply elsewhere, which is the recommendation I would have given her. It's just unfortunate that she wasted so many months of work time waiting for her employers to get their collective acts together so she could work where she had been given a job. On the plus side for her, she's applying at a chain which has a restaurant in the town where she will transfer next year. If she gets the job, and does a good job, she'll have the opportunity to transfer and work there as well.
Her first semester of college is almost over, and working more might not have allowed her to do as well as she is doing. She's acknowledged that she feels she has a better understanding of what she's in for when she does move away to college. I like knowing she feels better prepared, and knowing she's right. But it won't be the same when she does eventually leave. Especially now that she's lived with us on an adult level. Her plan is to work more next semester and get prepared to moved. I think she's on the right track.
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