Countdown to the End

Tomorrow is the last day of April.  Next month is the last month of school and graduation.  It does not seem possible it's finally arrived, even though it seems like the day before yesterday when she headed off to kindergarten.


With the end of the year comes end of the year activities.  Prom was last Saturday, and was a lot of fun for the whole family.  Terry borrowed a '69 Cadillac Convertible that was perfect for the tie dyed clothes they made to wear for prom.  Older sisters Charlotte and Sandy showed up with their families at my mom's for pictures, and it was a genuinely happy time.  The car and the flowers and the clothes and the family all combined to be a memorable experience that appealed to all ages, surprisingly enough.  


I'm making Molly's announcements, and working on them makes it seem more real as well.  There is Senior Recognition next week, and the senior soccer game the week after that.  The third, and final week brings the soccer banquet and graduation.  If I blink it will all be over.  


I suppose with what's going on with her dad right now I've been a bit distracted with how quickly this is crashing in on us.  I can't do much about his situation right now, as we're in wait and see mode, so I think I should focus on her for a while now.  It's always good to focus on the positives and the good stuff, and seeing Molly successfully through 13 years of school and the beginning of her college years seems worth celebrating.  


She's been chomping at the bit for most of the year for it to be over, and she's about to get her wish.  Even though it's been a while for me now since I graduated from high school, I can still remember the excitement and the impatience to get it over and finished.  It is no less for her.


So, for the next three weeks I'll take lots of pictures and do all I can to create lasting memories.  My baby is no longer a baby, and is ready to achieve one of the first rites of passage in graduating from high school.  Can we just slow it down a little bit?  Just a bit....? 

What It Means To be the Youngest

For the fourth time in ten years, I had to have a serious conversation with Molly about the health of her dad. As the youngest of Terry's three daughters, she's borne the brunt of the changes that occurred since he had his heart attack. She was the only one left at home, barely eight, and in the second grade when that happened.

He had been in the hospital for about three days the first time she saw him then. I had one of the nurses count for me, and he had 25 wires, tubes, lines, and attachments to his body and various pieces of medical equipment. It was pretty overwhelming to me as an adult, and I tried to prepare her for what she would see. I told her that all of those lines had a role in getting her dad better so he could come home.

A few weeks after he returned home, I learned she was waking him up when she got home from school. My first inclination was to remind her that he needed his rest, but I began to think about what it was that prompted her to do that. It didn't take long to realize she was making sure he was okay. She didn't have to wonder if he was only sleeping if she woke him up. One afternoon, on the way home, I asked her what she would do if she tried to wake Daddy and he didn't wake up. She smiled at me and said she'd call me at the office. I asked her if she remembered that sometimes I was in meetings and hard to get in touch with, and, not that I EVER thought it would happen, but if Daddy didn't wake up she should call 911, and then my office. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, but all the while I was trying to reassure her that she wouldn't have to ever do that, I was really hoping that neither of us ever had to call.

Four years later when he had a 46 day hospitalization, it began at our local hospital with them not being able to initially figure out the problem. He'd been getting increasingly sick and weak in the past week, with two ER visits and an office call to our doctor. By the time he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't walk, and was fearful it was something neurological. When Molly and I got home from the hospital that first night, her bravado melted when I asked her how she was. I held her while she cried, worried about her dad, trying to reassure her he would be okay, not really knowing myself if he would be or not. When it was determined he was full blown septic due to a staph infection that had invaded his heart chamber, he had open heart surgery and a 46 day hospitalization. She was in the 6th grade by this time, and I did what I could to keep her world as stable as possible, while mine felt like it was spinning wildly out of control.

Flash forward six years, and once again I'm debating what I say to her and when. She's lived the past ten years with a different dad than her sisters had. Her dad, who never once used his physical condition as an excuse, and who tried to be involved and interested in her pursuits, had limitations. He tired easily, and riding in the car for very long was uncomfortable. He didn't always make it to away games or events. And when the retching and vomiting problems started more than five years ago, that meant no plans were final. They were dependent on his condition and whether I needed to be close by. She's lived with worry and concern for him every day for the past ten years, because she's the one who's witnessed and experienced it on a daily basis. She graduates from high school next month, and there was real fear on my part at one point that he wouldn't be here for that. That part has been a blessing. He has been here to witness her metamorphosis from child to young adult, with all that encompasses.

Now comes the news that he may have cancer metastasizing in multiple locations in his body. I really struggled with when to tell her. Do I wait until we know without a doubt what's going on? Do I not treat her like the adult she wants to be? No...she's a member of the family and lives in this house... she needs to know for her sake what's going on. And when I talked to her she confirmed that. She does want to know whatever we know when we know it.

In talking to her, she confides that her greatest fear is her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle when that day comes....and I can't promise her he will. But I can promise her that despite whatever does come our way, it can never be an excuse for her to not live up to her potential in life. Her dad will not want her giving up or giving in if he's gone. He knows how special she is too, and wants her to have the life she can make for herself.

So while she's on the road to adulthood, she's still our baby. She's lived through more in her short time than many adults have, but it's helped shape her to be the person she is. She is empathetic and compassionate, and is committing to a life of helping people as a nurse. Whether her dad is here to see the rest of her life or not, he's helped lay the foundation for who she became as a person. Thankfully for her, and for all of us, he's been here for her and her sisters in that regard. They are old enough that he will always be with them in their hearts, when he's no longer here for them. Even Molly as the baby of the family will have strong and wonderful memories that will help her get through her life. Wish I could be sure she'd have more than memories, but with all he's been through already, I'm grateful for that much.

There Is No "I" in Team

The girls' soccer season is in full swing now, with three games already played. The last two games have been tough, both mentally and physically.

The wind is blowing in Kansas. That's what the wind does around here. But when you have 80 minutes of soccer played in it, you're continually battling the whole time you're out there, whether it's on the field or on the bench. The game last night was an away game, on a bus so overcrowded they couldn't take their book bags. They played state contenders from last year's season, and went into the game knowing it would be tough. The bus got back after 10:00 last night, so any girls who had homework not yet done still had to put time in before heading to bed.

Today was round two of windzilla, on their home field. Their first game of the season was a tie, the second game was a loss, and they really wanted to win at home. They didn't. They've already got one player with a torn ACL who is out for the season, and a goalie who was sick and unable to play.

When Molly got home she asked what I thought of the game. I finally had to ask what she wanted me to say, because I wasn't sure. She's feeling frustration that as a senior, there are underclassmen who are not taking things as seriously as she would like. She wants to win and wants the team to be successful, and knows for her and the other seniors, this is the last chance.

Molly is not a long time soccer player. Quite the opposite. Aside from playing when she was four and five, she didn't play until her junior year. Even though it was her first year of competitive play in soccer, she was awarded the leadership award last year. I think she's trying to figure out what she needs to do to get certain girls motivated and playing to the level of their potential.

Leadership is a difficult ship to navigate. While we hope we function as role models for the behavior we'd like to see in others, the reality is that sometimes the subtlety of leading by example is too subtle. Sometimes you have to call behaviors for what they are.

Molly is taking 3 hours through the community college, playing soccer, and getting ready to start the rest of her life. She's taking the pressure of the demands in stride so far, but the journey is so much more enjoyable as part of a team when everyone is on the same page. When there are frustrations with one facet of your life, it's too easy to let those negatives overshadow the positives. Only three games into the season is too early to get frustrated.

I'm not sure she thinks she should take the lead in getting some of the girls jumping because she doesn't have the seniority of being on the team for many years. But Molly has more tact than she realizes, because too often she chooses not to employ that tact. The Irish in her is validated by her ability to cut to the heart of the matter in discussions at times, so if she can figure out what she wants to say, she'll do well. She just needs to figure out for herself what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. Then it's all good.....

As frustrating as team sports can be at times, it's a good life lesson for what's coming down her road. She will always have to depend on others in both her personal and professional lives. It's good to start learning early that you won't always agree with how someone else conducts herself. You just need to know how to work with them in a manner that is productive for all parties involved. And she is more than capable of making that happen. With girls...you go!!

Every Parent's Nightmare

The kids got their collective acts together, and made the trip to the coast in Alabama for spring break. They had obstacle after obstacle in getting there, including having a traveler cancel at the last minute, the person they were staying with Sunday night before they could get into their hotel on Monday working Sunday night and therefore being unavailable at her home, getting hit from behind once they arrived, and not having someone who was 21 there to check into the rooms for them. They adjusted plans and made the trip and had a great time getting there.

Unfortunately, the weather here was not cooperating. We knew there was a major snow headed this way for the weekend when they would be returning, and each day's report brought a higher snowfall amount we would receive. I had encouraged them to come north and then across Missouri on I-70, but because they weren't witnessing any inclement weather they seemed to underscore the potential danger of what they might be heading into.

Molly knew it would be late when they got in, and wanted to see her boyfriend, so was just planning to stay in town. The phone rang before six this morning, with a distraught mother on the phone. Because Molly let me know when she made it back, I had no reason to know there was a problem. There was. Two of the kids had left more than four hours later than the other vehicle.

I was keeping in touch by text and cell phone, but had no idea the vehicles were traveling separately. When I answered the phone, the mother on the other end was trying desperately not to let the possibilities consume her with what might have happened to the two kids. She knew the cell phone one of them had was going dead due to a low battery, so when the call went dead while she was talking to them, she initially thought it was simply the phone dying and they would be home in a matter of hours. That didn't happen, and she began calling parents to see if we knew anything.

I called Molly, and gave the mom Molly's number so she could contact her, and convinced myself that had there been an accident or a serious problem the families would have been notified. It was unbearable to think about the potential for pain and heartache that might lie ahead. I found myself in tears all morning worried about two kids who weren't even mine. But the worst part was knowing that my child was safe, and someone else's wasn't, and that I was so selfishly glad my child was safe.

I explained to her that it's every parent's nightmare that something terrible could happen to your child. You expect to lose your parents, and older family members and friends, but parents should never have to bury a child. There can be no greater pain, nor any greater suffering that can occur than a parent losing a child.

I learned at 1:47 this afternoon that the two weary stragglers did in fact make it home. The sense of relief I felt was indescribable. I was relieved that they, too, had made it home safe, but I was also relieved to know I didn't have to feel guilty that my child was safe. Molly had gone to school with one of them since kindergarten, and even went to the same daycare provider after morning classes in kindergarten. She had flirted with the idea of dating the other one, so these kids are part of our lives. They had gone off the road, and were lucky it was no worse than it was. Hopefully we parents won't have to endure that emotional trauma again for some time to come....it wears me out.

Broken Spring Break

Spring break officially starts on Friday...unless you play or support basketball and you are at the state tournament, or you play girls' soccer. If you play soccer, then you're aware that your coach cares not whether the boys are at state, or folks have plans to get going for spring break. You know you'll be at practice at the same old time, even though school is being dismissed early so students can travel to the tournament.

Molly's days were pretty much scheduled out until Sunday, which is departure day for spring break. She has soccer practice tomorrow, scrimmage on Friday, all day Forensics tournament on Saturday, and leaving at 7 am on Sunday is the plan. Six other seniors, four girls and three guys in total, were planning to head to the gulf coast for a week of fun. Word came today that one of the guys has decided against going, and now there is much discussion and discontent. The cost goes up for everyone, and there has been conversation about whether they are even still planning to go.

I've tried to gently explain that such is the way of being grown up. You make plans, and you have a notion in your head about what's going to happen, and then....it doesn't. For whatever reason, the anticipated plans are different than the actualized event. But that doesn't mean that the real experience has to be less than the expected experience. She just needs to understand that most things in life will not turn out as planned, and tis much better in the long run to know that you will have to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes, but that's alright. If you're willing to roll with the punches, you will find it much easier to go with the flow when necessary. Too much inflexibility ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, and it's so much easier to be willing to see what happens along the road of life.

Tomorrow will be a day of decision. It will be interesting to see how the group proceeds from here. Will they make lemonade from the lemons of disappointment and additional cost, or will they suffer the stings of the lemons as they dither in indecision? Time will tell....

It's All Good

I sometimes worry that Molly's expectations for herself are too high. It's not that I think that high expectations are a bad thing, but I am concerned about the self imposed pressure Molly puts on herself, as a result. And it's because it is self imposed is why II get concerned. She doesn't always recognize and accept that her stress and worry is unnecessary.

She had a Forensics meet yesterday and participated in the Extemporaneous field. It is very difficult to do well in that event because you don't know ahead of time what the question to answer will be, so it's extremely hard to be practiced and prepared. If she consumes information from various sources on various topics she'll be well informed enough to do well. But it's not like having a prepared piece that can be committed to memory and well rehearsed beforehand.

Shouldn't the fact that she medaled in an event that is difficult be enough for her, even if it wasn't a first, second, or third place finish? I worry that pressure to excel, even in the face of doing good work, will cause her to become discouraged and potentially lose interest in activities she thinks she should ace. I want her to do as well as she can, but I also want her to realize that sometimes her best will not be as good as someone else's best. That doesn't mean she shouldn't try or shouldn't participate, but I know she doesn't want to fail.

I know that when she gets older she will look back on these trials and tribulations and wonder why she let herself get so torqued. But it's easy to look back and know how things really were. It's more difficult, but infinitely more rewarding, when you can recognize what's happening at the time. And that's going to have to come with time....and experience.

Rolling With New Wheels!

Molly took another step today towards adulthood...she's in debt!! We found a car for her that has payments, and when soccer and graduation are over, she'll assume those payments when she starts working. It's nothing extravagant, but compared to the car she was driving that was at least at old as she was (both from the year 1991; but Molly arrived in December and so is probably the younger of the two!), it's a dream....

It was an incredible life lesson for her to see how the whole process works, and why buying a new car is so much more than just the price on the sticker. I'm hopeful it encourages her to watch her spending in the future and motivates her to want to take really good care of it. Had she memorized her Social Security Number as she's been told she should, her name could have gone on the title as well, and that would have been a good start on building credit in her own name.

She has had control of a debit card to an account I have online access to and can monitor for a couple of years now. Earlier, when learning how to manage the card responsibly, she managed to exceed her funds, and was charged an overdraft or two...for the same day, which added up and got her attention. I've tried to give her exposure to different experiences so she has a better idea of how to be a fiscally responsible adult. She told us last night she would prefer to take a year at the community college for some more core classes she's required to have, and part of the incentive for that decision is cost. I like what I hear her reasoning out in coming to her decisions, and feel confident she's going to be an accountable adult where her money is concerned.

I certainly hope she will be, anyway!! I'd like to think my days of financial responsibility for her are numbered. Conservatively spending money from her college fund is a great way to validate I'm on my way to that!!