There Is No "I" in Team

The girls' soccer season is in full swing now, with three games already played. The last two games have been tough, both mentally and physically.

The wind is blowing in Kansas. That's what the wind does around here. But when you have 80 minutes of soccer played in it, you're continually battling the whole time you're out there, whether it's on the field or on the bench. The game last night was an away game, on a bus so overcrowded they couldn't take their book bags. They played state contenders from last year's season, and went into the game knowing it would be tough. The bus got back after 10:00 last night, so any girls who had homework not yet done still had to put time in before heading to bed.

Today was round two of windzilla, on their home field. Their first game of the season was a tie, the second game was a loss, and they really wanted to win at home. They didn't. They've already got one player with a torn ACL who is out for the season, and a goalie who was sick and unable to play.

When Molly got home she asked what I thought of the game. I finally had to ask what she wanted me to say, because I wasn't sure. She's feeling frustration that as a senior, there are underclassmen who are not taking things as seriously as she would like. She wants to win and wants the team to be successful, and knows for her and the other seniors, this is the last chance.

Molly is not a long time soccer player. Quite the opposite. Aside from playing when she was four and five, she didn't play until her junior year. Even though it was her first year of competitive play in soccer, she was awarded the leadership award last year. I think she's trying to figure out what she needs to do to get certain girls motivated and playing to the level of their potential.

Leadership is a difficult ship to navigate. While we hope we function as role models for the behavior we'd like to see in others, the reality is that sometimes the subtlety of leading by example is too subtle. Sometimes you have to call behaviors for what they are.

Molly is taking 3 hours through the community college, playing soccer, and getting ready to start the rest of her life. She's taking the pressure of the demands in stride so far, but the journey is so much more enjoyable as part of a team when everyone is on the same page. When there are frustrations with one facet of your life, it's too easy to let those negatives overshadow the positives. Only three games into the season is too early to get frustrated.

I'm not sure she thinks she should take the lead in getting some of the girls jumping because she doesn't have the seniority of being on the team for many years. But Molly has more tact than she realizes, because too often she chooses not to employ that tact. The Irish in her is validated by her ability to cut to the heart of the matter in discussions at times, so if she can figure out what she wants to say, she'll do well. She just needs to figure out for herself what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. Then it's all good.....

As frustrating as team sports can be at times, it's a good life lesson for what's coming down her road. She will always have to depend on others in both her personal and professional lives. It's good to start learning early that you won't always agree with how someone else conducts herself. You just need to know how to work with them in a manner that is productive for all parties involved. And she is more than capable of making that happen. With girls...you go!!

Every Parent's Nightmare

The kids got their collective acts together, and made the trip to the coast in Alabama for spring break. They had obstacle after obstacle in getting there, including having a traveler cancel at the last minute, the person they were staying with Sunday night before they could get into their hotel on Monday working Sunday night and therefore being unavailable at her home, getting hit from behind once they arrived, and not having someone who was 21 there to check into the rooms for them. They adjusted plans and made the trip and had a great time getting there.

Unfortunately, the weather here was not cooperating. We knew there was a major snow headed this way for the weekend when they would be returning, and each day's report brought a higher snowfall amount we would receive. I had encouraged them to come north and then across Missouri on I-70, but because they weren't witnessing any inclement weather they seemed to underscore the potential danger of what they might be heading into.

Molly knew it would be late when they got in, and wanted to see her boyfriend, so was just planning to stay in town. The phone rang before six this morning, with a distraught mother on the phone. Because Molly let me know when she made it back, I had no reason to know there was a problem. There was. Two of the kids had left more than four hours later than the other vehicle.

I was keeping in touch by text and cell phone, but had no idea the vehicles were traveling separately. When I answered the phone, the mother on the other end was trying desperately not to let the possibilities consume her with what might have happened to the two kids. She knew the cell phone one of them had was going dead due to a low battery, so when the call went dead while she was talking to them, she initially thought it was simply the phone dying and they would be home in a matter of hours. That didn't happen, and she began calling parents to see if we knew anything.

I called Molly, and gave the mom Molly's number so she could contact her, and convinced myself that had there been an accident or a serious problem the families would have been notified. It was unbearable to think about the potential for pain and heartache that might lie ahead. I found myself in tears all morning worried about two kids who weren't even mine. But the worst part was knowing that my child was safe, and someone else's wasn't, and that I was so selfishly glad my child was safe.

I explained to her that it's every parent's nightmare that something terrible could happen to your child. You expect to lose your parents, and older family members and friends, but parents should never have to bury a child. There can be no greater pain, nor any greater suffering that can occur than a parent losing a child.

I learned at 1:47 this afternoon that the two weary stragglers did in fact make it home. The sense of relief I felt was indescribable. I was relieved that they, too, had made it home safe, but I was also relieved to know I didn't have to feel guilty that my child was safe. Molly had gone to school with one of them since kindergarten, and even went to the same daycare provider after morning classes in kindergarten. She had flirted with the idea of dating the other one, so these kids are part of our lives. They had gone off the road, and were lucky it was no worse than it was. Hopefully we parents won't have to endure that emotional trauma again for some time to come....it wears me out.

Broken Spring Break

Spring break officially starts on Friday...unless you play or support basketball and you are at the state tournament, or you play girls' soccer. If you play soccer, then you're aware that your coach cares not whether the boys are at state, or folks have plans to get going for spring break. You know you'll be at practice at the same old time, even though school is being dismissed early so students can travel to the tournament.

Molly's days were pretty much scheduled out until Sunday, which is departure day for spring break. She has soccer practice tomorrow, scrimmage on Friday, all day Forensics tournament on Saturday, and leaving at 7 am on Sunday is the plan. Six other seniors, four girls and three guys in total, were planning to head to the gulf coast for a week of fun. Word came today that one of the guys has decided against going, and now there is much discussion and discontent. The cost goes up for everyone, and there has been conversation about whether they are even still planning to go.

I've tried to gently explain that such is the way of being grown up. You make plans, and you have a notion in your head about what's going to happen, and then....it doesn't. For whatever reason, the anticipated plans are different than the actualized event. But that doesn't mean that the real experience has to be less than the expected experience. She just needs to understand that most things in life will not turn out as planned, and tis much better in the long run to know that you will have to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes, but that's alright. If you're willing to roll with the punches, you will find it much easier to go with the flow when necessary. Too much inflexibility ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, and it's so much easier to be willing to see what happens along the road of life.

Tomorrow will be a day of decision. It will be interesting to see how the group proceeds from here. Will they make lemonade from the lemons of disappointment and additional cost, or will they suffer the stings of the lemons as they dither in indecision? Time will tell....

It's All Good

I sometimes worry that Molly's expectations for herself are too high. It's not that I think that high expectations are a bad thing, but I am concerned about the self imposed pressure Molly puts on herself, as a result. And it's because it is self imposed is why II get concerned. She doesn't always recognize and accept that her stress and worry is unnecessary.

She had a Forensics meet yesterday and participated in the Extemporaneous field. It is very difficult to do well in that event because you don't know ahead of time what the question to answer will be, so it's extremely hard to be practiced and prepared. If she consumes information from various sources on various topics she'll be well informed enough to do well. But it's not like having a prepared piece that can be committed to memory and well rehearsed beforehand.

Shouldn't the fact that she medaled in an event that is difficult be enough for her, even if it wasn't a first, second, or third place finish? I worry that pressure to excel, even in the face of doing good work, will cause her to become discouraged and potentially lose interest in activities she thinks she should ace. I want her to do as well as she can, but I also want her to realize that sometimes her best will not be as good as someone else's best. That doesn't mean she shouldn't try or shouldn't participate, but I know she doesn't want to fail.

I know that when she gets older she will look back on these trials and tribulations and wonder why she let herself get so torqued. But it's easy to look back and know how things really were. It's more difficult, but infinitely more rewarding, when you can recognize what's happening at the time. And that's going to have to come with time....and experience.

Rolling With New Wheels!

Molly took another step today towards adulthood...she's in debt!! We found a car for her that has payments, and when soccer and graduation are over, she'll assume those payments when she starts working. It's nothing extravagant, but compared to the car she was driving that was at least at old as she was (both from the year 1991; but Molly arrived in December and so is probably the younger of the two!), it's a dream....

It was an incredible life lesson for her to see how the whole process works, and why buying a new car is so much more than just the price on the sticker. I'm hopeful it encourages her to watch her spending in the future and motivates her to want to take really good care of it. Had she memorized her Social Security Number as she's been told she should, her name could have gone on the title as well, and that would have been a good start on building credit in her own name.

She has had control of a debit card to an account I have online access to and can monitor for a couple of years now. Earlier, when learning how to manage the card responsibly, she managed to exceed her funds, and was charged an overdraft or two...for the same day, which added up and got her attention. I've tried to give her exposure to different experiences so she has a better idea of how to be a fiscally responsible adult. She told us last night she would prefer to take a year at the community college for some more core classes she's required to have, and part of the incentive for that decision is cost. I like what I hear her reasoning out in coming to her decisions, and feel confident she's going to be an accountable adult where her money is concerned.

I certainly hope she will be, anyway!! I'd like to think my days of financial responsibility for her are numbered. Conservatively spending money from her college fund is a great way to validate I'm on my way to that!!

Sleepless Nights...Again

So we've hit the point where Molly is both a senior and 18. Dangerous territory for parents...I still must call the school if she has a doctor's appointment or will be absent, but she could legally join the military or get married if she chose, and I'd have nothing to say about it. Dangerous territory...wanting to be adult and grown up, but not always possessing the life experiences to make all of the right decisions, all of the time. Obviously, being all grown up does not guarantee making all of the right decisions all of the time, but it does increase the odds...

The challenge we keep encountering is her need for independence and my need to know she's safe. I trust her judgment and know she is capable of doing the right thing. But when you live in the country, and you know there are animals on the road at night, it's a safety concern for me as her mom. The raccoons and possums that come out at night are bad enough, but the deer can cause major accidents that increase the odds of injury. Or worse. While on an intellectual level I'm sure she does know I just want her safe, on an emotional level I can't help but think she feels I'm trying to control her.

When she's late coming home, the porch light is left on, which I can see from the bedroom. When she comes home, she turns it off, and then I'm able to tell she's made it home safely. It's just hard to make her understand how difficult it is for me to sleep knowing she's not home. It's not that she wants to stay out late that bothers me; it's not knowing when she'll leave town to head home that keeps me restless and sleepless. I try to sleep but find myself sitting up to check for the light.

I wonder if it will be easier when she's not here anymore, and I don't have to know when she's home or not. I'm not altogether sure that brings me much comfort, though. I know the day is coming when whether she stays or goes, and where she stays of goes will be her choice. I'll have my nights for sleeping back, but I'm not looking forward to it. For these last few precious months I'll try to remember that if I'm not sleeping well checking to see if the light's off, it means she's still here at home. I'll try to forget that sooner than I wish that light won't be left on anymore.

When to Advise and When to Listen

There is no question that Molly is ready and rearing to go, blazing into adulthood and her future...despite that, there are times when the weight of the responsibility of growing up and being responsible for herself really can really make her second guess her plans and ability to see them through...I'm trying not to influence her decision, but give her whatever feedback she's looking for to validate what she's feeling.

Fortunately, she has options available to her. She spoke of feeling overwhelmed today thinking about heading to college...to be honest, I think I'd have more concern if she DIDN'T express concerns for being able to handle it successfully. She spoke about discussions in class about the percentage of freshmen who don't make it. Couple that with the fact she's taken some credit hours now and has a better expectation of what is to come, and I'm very hopeful she'll be wise enough to make the right kind of decisions.

At dinner tonight we talked to her about the simple basics of college that can make or break you, and it's all determined by what she choses to do. We explained that just going to class is a biggie, and a major factor in whether kids succeed or fail. And going to class is entirely up to her and the choices she makes. We let her know she can stay here at home for a semester or more, or she can start classes somewhere other than KU. It has to be about what works for her. If she gets frustrated or overwhelmed too quickly in the experience, she may not want to see it through. She's smart enough to know without a college education behind her she's going to have a tough future. We have to be smart enough to help make that happen for her.

When we went to KU Med yesterday to start with Terry's appointments, I saw nurses walking around the hospital and kept thinking to myself in just a couple of years she can be one of them...it was such a powerful realization that I was surprised at how I felt. Becoming a nurse is something Molly and I have talked about for a while. She is literally but months away from making that goal and dream a reality. I wish I could slow down the clock to make it all last a little longer, but know I can't. All I can do now is hope all we've done is what should have been done...too late now if it's not.