And When Is It I Get to Leave Again?

Molly keeps me in continual guessing mode about what's going through her head at any particular moment.  After Terry had gone to bed the other night, and I thought she was headed that direction as well, she bounced back into the living room telling me there was something she wanted to talk about.


Needless to say I was prepared to hear about anything and everything.  What she wanted to talk about was whether she really would be able to go away to college and not live at home at some point in the future.  I was hoping she wasn't having regrets about her decision.  She had made the decision to go to a community college here in town to start and live at home herself several months ago.  Now that friends are starting to talk about their plans for heading out I wonder if she isn't sorry she won't be one of them.


In talking with her, she commented that she wasn't sure if she could have handled that first year away from home, because she was concerned she might not have the self discipline and focus to be as successful as she can.  She still comprehends the money part of it all, and is still seeing this first year as a way to save money while still getting credit hours.    


It's too late to go back and change things, but she also realizes too late that her grades should have been a higher priority.  She is more than capable, but has the ability to second guess herself. She knows the time to buckle down and get serious is here.  She wants to take the ACT again, which I think is a great idea, to see if she can't get her score up to increase chances with KU's nursing program.  While the end result of obtaining her BSN is the goal and can be accomplished through numerous avenues, we both think it would be incredibly cool for her to graduate there as well.  She would be third generation and that would be very special.


We also discussed the situation of not having a job yet.  It hasn't been as big an issue with me given what's gone on with her dad this summer.  It's been a big relief to have her here when I went back to work after his surgery.  It gave her a purpose and gave me comfort knowing another pair of eyes were seeing what happened with him.  She was responsible for taking his blood pressure and temperature each day.  The last thing he needs is another infection to deal with, so she's being the personal nurse he needs for now.  She knows when some kids go off to college it will open up some positions so the job search will go on.


She's not going anywhere for now, but it's even more apparent how badly she wants to, and I cannot blame her.  I'm really glad to know she continues to contemplate these things.  It's her life.  She needs to know where it's headed.  

We Survived; Molly Thrived...

So much has happened since the last posting.  Graduation, and all that comes with it, is over.  Everything, that is, except the thank you notes.  They are completed but not yet mailed.  She's getting close and working on getting a job, so it's acceptable.  For now...


Her graduation was a special day.  With Molly as the "baby" of the family, when she finishes one phase of her life, it's the last time we go through that with our children.  We'll go through it with their children, but it's not the same.  As a grandparent you don't have the same responsibility for getting kids to those milestones.  You're along for the ride.  So it was more than a little bittersweet for me knowing that the last hurdle of being a dependent child fell away when she graduated from high school.  There are no more illusions of any kind left.  Molly is officially an adult.... (long sigh; tear in eye).  As much as you want your child to grow up and experience life, when it really happens it's incredibly hard to believe.


She relished her role as the holder of the special day status.  That's not to say she wasn't gracious and appreciative of everything done for her, because she was.  But she knew the day was all about her, and she was right.  She looked beautiful and was smart enough to enjoy everything that transpired.  Her grandmother is only two years younger than MY grandmother, and I had long since given up hope that Molly would get one of Ethel's quilts for graduation.  She made it during Molly's first year of life, and held onto it until graduation.  It was a wonderful surprise for all of us.


She's had a week since graduation, and put letters in the mail today looking for a job.  It would be too perfect to find a job within the health care field, since that's the direction she's taking for college classes, so I'm not sure at what point we decide any job is enough.  Maybe we'll know it when we get there.


So for now, the new adventure we're all on is Molly's job search as she begins life as a college student.  She made the decision to stay home for the first year, so we'll get to go along, one more time, for the ride that is Molly Kaye.  High School Graduate.  Eventual College Graduate.  She keeps it all going, enjoying the trip along the way.  

Time For Slack

I've struggled all day and know why.  Last night was the awards presentation for seniors.  I went knowing Molly wasn't going to receive anything, because two days before I realized we hadn't applied for anything.  And by "we" I mean Molly, but know I should have been on top of this to keep reminding her to get it done.


And while I fully accept that it is Molly's responsible to get this all done, it's my responsibility as her mom to make sure she does get it all done.  I've been so preoccupied and focused on Terry and his health that I let those deadlines get past me.  While it's somewhat naive of me, I've tried very hard to make sure Molly's life has not been upended as she finishes high school.  Life is tough enough these days, and knowing what's going on with her dad adds to what I'm afraid is becoming a heavy mental load.  I've tried to keep her world as calm as I can, even when it puts additional stress on me to make that happen.  Last night revealed my inability to keep it all together.


I really felt I had let her down by not having her recognized for her efforts.  She may not have had the grades some of her peers did, but hands down she has been a person of worth who has been reliable and dependable with her commitments.  As someone who has served on numerous boards and committees, that is no inconsequential consideration.  I must admit I was very proud of her for going, even though she knew she wouldn't be awarded any scholarships.  To be there to support her friends shows the kind of person she is, and that kind of person is who I'm glad my daughter chooses to be.  


It was a valuable example to me that I cannot do it all, and I need to cut myself some slack.  If I can accept that everything that's going on is too much for Molly, then I need to be as mindful of my own potential to crash and burn.  If Molly crashes and burns I can help pick up the pieces.  If I crash and burn we all suffer.  It's just that simple.


So today, I am disappointed in myself for letting Molly down.  I know tomorrow will be another day, and a better day, and I can try all over again to things to the best of my ability.  It's all I can ask of myself right now.  It should be enough...

Countdown to the End

Tomorrow is the last day of April.  Next month is the last month of school and graduation.  It does not seem possible it's finally arrived, even though it seems like the day before yesterday when she headed off to kindergarten.


With the end of the year comes end of the year activities.  Prom was last Saturday, and was a lot of fun for the whole family.  Terry borrowed a '69 Cadillac Convertible that was perfect for the tie dyed clothes they made to wear for prom.  Older sisters Charlotte and Sandy showed up with their families at my mom's for pictures, and it was a genuinely happy time.  The car and the flowers and the clothes and the family all combined to be a memorable experience that appealed to all ages, surprisingly enough.  


I'm making Molly's announcements, and working on them makes it seem more real as well.  There is Senior Recognition next week, and the senior soccer game the week after that.  The third, and final week brings the soccer banquet and graduation.  If I blink it will all be over.  


I suppose with what's going on with her dad right now I've been a bit distracted with how quickly this is crashing in on us.  I can't do much about his situation right now, as we're in wait and see mode, so I think I should focus on her for a while now.  It's always good to focus on the positives and the good stuff, and seeing Molly successfully through 13 years of school and the beginning of her college years seems worth celebrating.  


She's been chomping at the bit for most of the year for it to be over, and she's about to get her wish.  Even though it's been a while for me now since I graduated from high school, I can still remember the excitement and the impatience to get it over and finished.  It is no less for her.


So, for the next three weeks I'll take lots of pictures and do all I can to create lasting memories.  My baby is no longer a baby, and is ready to achieve one of the first rites of passage in graduating from high school.  Can we just slow it down a little bit?  Just a bit....? 

What It Means To be the Youngest

For the fourth time in ten years, I had to have a serious conversation with Molly about the health of her dad. As the youngest of Terry's three daughters, she's borne the brunt of the changes that occurred since he had his heart attack. She was the only one left at home, barely eight, and in the second grade when that happened.

He had been in the hospital for about three days the first time she saw him then. I had one of the nurses count for me, and he had 25 wires, tubes, lines, and attachments to his body and various pieces of medical equipment. It was pretty overwhelming to me as an adult, and I tried to prepare her for what she would see. I told her that all of those lines had a role in getting her dad better so he could come home.

A few weeks after he returned home, I learned she was waking him up when she got home from school. My first inclination was to remind her that he needed his rest, but I began to think about what it was that prompted her to do that. It didn't take long to realize she was making sure he was okay. She didn't have to wonder if he was only sleeping if she woke him up. One afternoon, on the way home, I asked her what she would do if she tried to wake Daddy and he didn't wake up. She smiled at me and said she'd call me at the office. I asked her if she remembered that sometimes I was in meetings and hard to get in touch with, and, not that I EVER thought it would happen, but if Daddy didn't wake up she should call 911, and then my office. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, but all the while I was trying to reassure her that she wouldn't have to ever do that, I was really hoping that neither of us ever had to call.

Four years later when he had a 46 day hospitalization, it began at our local hospital with them not being able to initially figure out the problem. He'd been getting increasingly sick and weak in the past week, with two ER visits and an office call to our doctor. By the time he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't walk, and was fearful it was something neurological. When Molly and I got home from the hospital that first night, her bravado melted when I asked her how she was. I held her while she cried, worried about her dad, trying to reassure her he would be okay, not really knowing myself if he would be or not. When it was determined he was full blown septic due to a staph infection that had invaded his heart chamber, he had open heart surgery and a 46 day hospitalization. She was in the 6th grade by this time, and I did what I could to keep her world as stable as possible, while mine felt like it was spinning wildly out of control.

Flash forward six years, and once again I'm debating what I say to her and when. She's lived the past ten years with a different dad than her sisters had. Her dad, who never once used his physical condition as an excuse, and who tried to be involved and interested in her pursuits, had limitations. He tired easily, and riding in the car for very long was uncomfortable. He didn't always make it to away games or events. And when the retching and vomiting problems started more than five years ago, that meant no plans were final. They were dependent on his condition and whether I needed to be close by. She's lived with worry and concern for him every day for the past ten years, because she's the one who's witnessed and experienced it on a daily basis. She graduates from high school next month, and there was real fear on my part at one point that he wouldn't be here for that. That part has been a blessing. He has been here to witness her metamorphosis from child to young adult, with all that encompasses.

Now comes the news that he may have cancer metastasizing in multiple locations in his body. I really struggled with when to tell her. Do I wait until we know without a doubt what's going on? Do I not treat her like the adult she wants to be? No...she's a member of the family and lives in this house... she needs to know for her sake what's going on. And when I talked to her she confirmed that. She does want to know whatever we know when we know it.

In talking to her, she confides that her greatest fear is her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle when that day comes....and I can't promise her he will. But I can promise her that despite whatever does come our way, it can never be an excuse for her to not live up to her potential in life. Her dad will not want her giving up or giving in if he's gone. He knows how special she is too, and wants her to have the life she can make for herself.

So while she's on the road to adulthood, she's still our baby. She's lived through more in her short time than many adults have, but it's helped shape her to be the person she is. She is empathetic and compassionate, and is committing to a life of helping people as a nurse. Whether her dad is here to see the rest of her life or not, he's helped lay the foundation for who she became as a person. Thankfully for her, and for all of us, he's been here for her and her sisters in that regard. They are old enough that he will always be with them in their hearts, when he's no longer here for them. Even Molly as the baby of the family will have strong and wonderful memories that will help her get through her life. Wish I could be sure she'd have more than memories, but with all he's been through already, I'm grateful for that much.

There Is No "I" in Team

The girls' soccer season is in full swing now, with three games already played. The last two games have been tough, both mentally and physically.

The wind is blowing in Kansas. That's what the wind does around here. But when you have 80 minutes of soccer played in it, you're continually battling the whole time you're out there, whether it's on the field or on the bench. The game last night was an away game, on a bus so overcrowded they couldn't take their book bags. They played state contenders from last year's season, and went into the game knowing it would be tough. The bus got back after 10:00 last night, so any girls who had homework not yet done still had to put time in before heading to bed.

Today was round two of windzilla, on their home field. Their first game of the season was a tie, the second game was a loss, and they really wanted to win at home. They didn't. They've already got one player with a torn ACL who is out for the season, and a goalie who was sick and unable to play.

When Molly got home she asked what I thought of the game. I finally had to ask what she wanted me to say, because I wasn't sure. She's feeling frustration that as a senior, there are underclassmen who are not taking things as seriously as she would like. She wants to win and wants the team to be successful, and knows for her and the other seniors, this is the last chance.

Molly is not a long time soccer player. Quite the opposite. Aside from playing when she was four and five, she didn't play until her junior year. Even though it was her first year of competitive play in soccer, she was awarded the leadership award last year. I think she's trying to figure out what she needs to do to get certain girls motivated and playing to the level of their potential.

Leadership is a difficult ship to navigate. While we hope we function as role models for the behavior we'd like to see in others, the reality is that sometimes the subtlety of leading by example is too subtle. Sometimes you have to call behaviors for what they are.

Molly is taking 3 hours through the community college, playing soccer, and getting ready to start the rest of her life. She's taking the pressure of the demands in stride so far, but the journey is so much more enjoyable as part of a team when everyone is on the same page. When there are frustrations with one facet of your life, it's too easy to let those negatives overshadow the positives. Only three games into the season is too early to get frustrated.

I'm not sure she thinks she should take the lead in getting some of the girls jumping because she doesn't have the seniority of being on the team for many years. But Molly has more tact than she realizes, because too often she chooses not to employ that tact. The Irish in her is validated by her ability to cut to the heart of the matter in discussions at times, so if she can figure out what she wants to say, she'll do well. She just needs to figure out for herself what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. Then it's all good.....

As frustrating as team sports can be at times, it's a good life lesson for what's coming down her road. She will always have to depend on others in both her personal and professional lives. It's good to start learning early that you won't always agree with how someone else conducts herself. You just need to know how to work with them in a manner that is productive for all parties involved. And she is more than capable of making that happen. With girls...you go!!

Every Parent's Nightmare

The kids got their collective acts together, and made the trip to the coast in Alabama for spring break. They had obstacle after obstacle in getting there, including having a traveler cancel at the last minute, the person they were staying with Sunday night before they could get into their hotel on Monday working Sunday night and therefore being unavailable at her home, getting hit from behind once they arrived, and not having someone who was 21 there to check into the rooms for them. They adjusted plans and made the trip and had a great time getting there.

Unfortunately, the weather here was not cooperating. We knew there was a major snow headed this way for the weekend when they would be returning, and each day's report brought a higher snowfall amount we would receive. I had encouraged them to come north and then across Missouri on I-70, but because they weren't witnessing any inclement weather they seemed to underscore the potential danger of what they might be heading into.

Molly knew it would be late when they got in, and wanted to see her boyfriend, so was just planning to stay in town. The phone rang before six this morning, with a distraught mother on the phone. Because Molly let me know when she made it back, I had no reason to know there was a problem. There was. Two of the kids had left more than four hours later than the other vehicle.

I was keeping in touch by text and cell phone, but had no idea the vehicles were traveling separately. When I answered the phone, the mother on the other end was trying desperately not to let the possibilities consume her with what might have happened to the two kids. She knew the cell phone one of them had was going dead due to a low battery, so when the call went dead while she was talking to them, she initially thought it was simply the phone dying and they would be home in a matter of hours. That didn't happen, and she began calling parents to see if we knew anything.

I called Molly, and gave the mom Molly's number so she could contact her, and convinced myself that had there been an accident or a serious problem the families would have been notified. It was unbearable to think about the potential for pain and heartache that might lie ahead. I found myself in tears all morning worried about two kids who weren't even mine. But the worst part was knowing that my child was safe, and someone else's wasn't, and that I was so selfishly glad my child was safe.

I explained to her that it's every parent's nightmare that something terrible could happen to your child. You expect to lose your parents, and older family members and friends, but parents should never have to bury a child. There can be no greater pain, nor any greater suffering that can occur than a parent losing a child.

I learned at 1:47 this afternoon that the two weary stragglers did in fact make it home. The sense of relief I felt was indescribable. I was relieved that they, too, had made it home safe, but I was also relieved to know I didn't have to feel guilty that my child was safe. Molly had gone to school with one of them since kindergarten, and even went to the same daycare provider after morning classes in kindergarten. She had flirted with the idea of dating the other one, so these kids are part of our lives. They had gone off the road, and were lucky it was no worse than it was. Hopefully we parents won't have to endure that emotional trauma again for some time to come....it wears me out.