Looking like your parent is one of those double edged swords. While there is comfort in similarities, to be too much like a parent, in both look and behavior can be unsettling. As the parent in this situation, it can be flattering to be compared to my daughter, but probably is not so flattering for her.
She recently cut her hair to a length that's closer to mine, and as a result, our features that are similar to each other were enhanced. There have been several comments regarding how much we look alike, and the other day she told me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend regarding whether we act alike as well. I really didn't know what to expect from the discussion. The reality is when we have issues or concerns with the behaviors of others, too often it's because there is a shared behavior. The person who is critical is aware of that other person's problem behavior, but are frequently unaware that they are guilty of the same as well.
I was afraid that was the turn we were going to take while talking. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she agrees we have behaviors in common, and the traits she identified did not seem to be negative. I know I'm extremely proud, and genuinely grateful for the daughter I have. Part of that I know is because like me, she is people focused, and always thinking. She finds and appreciates joy in the little things, and has a tremendous sense of humor. It was a pleasant surprise to find she does not object to those ties that bind, and make us more alike than different. But to hear her articulate that approval was very special.
I've told her since she was small all the things I wish someone had told me growing up. It's not that I had bad experiences with my own mother growing up, but I know we never shared the kind of experiences and conversations Molly and I have shared. I know that she never told me what to expect in different life experiences, and that motivated me to give feedback and insight for Molly to reduce the stress or worries that accompany the unfamiliar. I told her all that seemed important to know so that she could and would grow up with self confidence and awareness of others and their struggles, and hopefully avoid some of those life altering situations that you can never take back.
It's not with pride that I realize when I was her age I was already married and a mother. I cannot regret those decisions then because they have led to who I am today, but it was a hard way to grow up. Immediately. And with the welfare of a brand new life for whom you have total care and responsibility to add to the load. While I know she plans to have a long term relationship and children, she knows there are things she should do in her life first. To a certain degree I wonder if through her I live the life I should have had; focused on college and myself before focusing on anyone else. I cannot change the path I've taken, but I can help to direct her through the forks and turns in her path to ensure she has the spectacular life I know she has waiting.
For now, I'll quietly revel in the comments about how much we are alike. I won't make her resent the fact that she looks like her mother, and I look like my mother. I want her to always be happy with where she's come from, and continue to maintain the life of service to others I've helped to cultivate in her. The fact that she looks like me is ego swelling. The fact that she is who she is as a person is heart swelling.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Working Her Way To a Job
The ordeal of the summer had been obtaining a job. She managed to find a really good job in a bakery opening in town, and with her bubbling personality, the job seemed a natural fit. It would have been a good fit, but the bakery was not as organized getting opened as planned. Or lack of planning, as it turns out, when they did get open....
Molly found herself in an ethical dilemma. She had been clear when hired that she was a college student, and needed to have a job to help defray her expenses. Making the decision to stay at home this first year was a good decision for all the right reasons. She saved lots of money, she was here while her dad was going through his medical ordeal, and she got to be here as an adult, since she was out of high school. It's been win/win to have her home this semester, but it was frustrating knowing how hard she was trying to get some hours to work.
The bakery had had several false starts in getting fully open. Part of it was beyond their control when important equipment, such as their fountain, did not arrive as expected. But part of it was that it was a family business, and when nit got down to grit, non family members were shorted on hours. Translation: college students such as Molly got few hours, if any.
Her dilemma has been in trying to maintain her loyalty to a job that was only providing frustration, and not a paycheck. In reality, if the bakery had opened as planned, community support would have been there to keep things flowing. That didn't happen, and customers who did come in were frequently disappointed to find they couldn't get what they had come in for. So week after week Molly went in checking for hours, and talking to them about keeping her on the schedule.
Since she's now in adultville, and no longer living in kiddeeland, I have to try to steer the conversation to her choices and preferences, because she needs to make her own decisions. I think it's fine that we can provide feedback, or give some insight into different situations, but ultimately she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.
She made the decision to apply elsewhere, which is the recommendation I would have given her. It's just unfortunate that she wasted so many months of work time waiting for her employers to get their collective acts together so she could work where she had been given a job. On the plus side for her, she's applying at a chain which has a restaurant in the town where she will transfer next year. If she gets the job, and does a good job, she'll have the opportunity to transfer and work there as well.
Her first semester of college is almost over, and working more might not have allowed her to do as well as she is doing. She's acknowledged that she feels she has a better understanding of what she's in for when she does move away to college. I like knowing she feels better prepared, and knowing she's right. But it won't be the same when she does eventually leave. Especially now that she's lived with us on an adult level. Her plan is to work more next semester and get prepared to moved. I think she's on the right track.
Molly found herself in an ethical dilemma. She had been clear when hired that she was a college student, and needed to have a job to help defray her expenses. Making the decision to stay at home this first year was a good decision for all the right reasons. She saved lots of money, she was here while her dad was going through his medical ordeal, and she got to be here as an adult, since she was out of high school. It's been win/win to have her home this semester, but it was frustrating knowing how hard she was trying to get some hours to work.
The bakery had had several false starts in getting fully open. Part of it was beyond their control when important equipment, such as their fountain, did not arrive as expected. But part of it was that it was a family business, and when nit got down to grit, non family members were shorted on hours. Translation: college students such as Molly got few hours, if any.
Her dilemma has been in trying to maintain her loyalty to a job that was only providing frustration, and not a paycheck. In reality, if the bakery had opened as planned, community support would have been there to keep things flowing. That didn't happen, and customers who did come in were frequently disappointed to find they couldn't get what they had come in for. So week after week Molly went in checking for hours, and talking to them about keeping her on the schedule.
Since she's now in adultville, and no longer living in kiddeeland, I have to try to steer the conversation to her choices and preferences, because she needs to make her own decisions. I think it's fine that we can provide feedback, or give some insight into different situations, but ultimately she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.
She made the decision to apply elsewhere, which is the recommendation I would have given her. It's just unfortunate that she wasted so many months of work time waiting for her employers to get their collective acts together so she could work where she had been given a job. On the plus side for her, she's applying at a chain which has a restaurant in the town where she will transfer next year. If she gets the job, and does a good job, she'll have the opportunity to transfer and work there as well.
Her first semester of college is almost over, and working more might not have allowed her to do as well as she is doing. She's acknowledged that she feels she has a better understanding of what she's in for when she does move away to college. I like knowing she feels better prepared, and knowing she's right. But it won't be the same when she does eventually leave. Especially now that she's lived with us on an adult level. Her plan is to work more next semester and get prepared to moved. I think she's on the right track.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
And When Is It I Get to Leave Again?
Molly keeps me in continual guessing mode about what's going through her head at any particular moment. After Terry had gone to bed the other night, and I thought she was headed that direction as well, she bounced back into the living room telling me there was something she wanted to talk about.
Needless to say I was prepared to hear about anything and everything. What she wanted to talk about was whether she really would be able to go away to college and not live at home at some point in the future. I was hoping she wasn't having regrets about her decision. She had made the decision to go to a community college here in town to start and live at home herself several months ago. Now that friends are starting to talk about their plans for heading out I wonder if she isn't sorry she won't be one of them.
In talking with her, she commented that she wasn't sure if she could have handled that first year away from home, because she was concerned she might not have the self discipline and focus to be as successful as she can. She still comprehends the money part of it all, and is still seeing this first year as a way to save money while still getting credit hours.
It's too late to go back and change things, but she also realizes too late that her grades should have been a higher priority. She is more than capable, but has the ability to second guess herself. She knows the time to buckle down and get serious is here. She wants to take the ACT again, which I think is a great idea, to see if she can't get her score up to increase chances with KU's nursing program. While the end result of obtaining her BSN is the goal and can be accomplished through numerous avenues, we both think it would be incredibly cool for her to graduate there as well. She would be third generation and that would be very special.
We also discussed the situation of not having a job yet. It hasn't been as big an issue with me given what's gone on with her dad this summer. It's been a big relief to have her here when I went back to work after his surgery. It gave her a purpose and gave me comfort knowing another pair of eyes were seeing what happened with him. She was responsible for taking his blood pressure and temperature each day. The last thing he needs is another infection to deal with, so she's being the personal nurse he needs for now. She knows when some kids go off to college it will open up some positions so the job search will go on.
She's not going anywhere for now, but it's even more apparent how badly she wants to, and I cannot blame her. I'm really glad to know she continues to contemplate these things. It's her life. She needs to know where it's headed.
Needless to say I was prepared to hear about anything and everything. What she wanted to talk about was whether she really would be able to go away to college and not live at home at some point in the future. I was hoping she wasn't having regrets about her decision. She had made the decision to go to a community college here in town to start and live at home herself several months ago. Now that friends are starting to talk about their plans for heading out I wonder if she isn't sorry she won't be one of them.
In talking with her, she commented that she wasn't sure if she could have handled that first year away from home, because she was concerned she might not have the self discipline and focus to be as successful as she can. She still comprehends the money part of it all, and is still seeing this first year as a way to save money while still getting credit hours.
It's too late to go back and change things, but she also realizes too late that her grades should have been a higher priority. She is more than capable, but has the ability to second guess herself. She knows the time to buckle down and get serious is here. She wants to take the ACT again, which I think is a great idea, to see if she can't get her score up to increase chances with KU's nursing program. While the end result of obtaining her BSN is the goal and can be accomplished through numerous avenues, we both think it would be incredibly cool for her to graduate there as well. She would be third generation and that would be very special.
We also discussed the situation of not having a job yet. It hasn't been as big an issue with me given what's gone on with her dad this summer. It's been a big relief to have her here when I went back to work after his surgery. It gave her a purpose and gave me comfort knowing another pair of eyes were seeing what happened with him. She was responsible for taking his blood pressure and temperature each day. The last thing he needs is another infection to deal with, so she's being the personal nurse he needs for now. She knows when some kids go off to college it will open up some positions so the job search will go on.
She's not going anywhere for now, but it's even more apparent how badly she wants to, and I cannot blame her. I'm really glad to know she continues to contemplate these things. It's her life. She needs to know where it's headed.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
We Survived; Molly Thrived...
So much has happened since the last posting. Graduation, and all that comes with it, is over. Everything, that is, except the thank you notes. They are completed but not yet mailed. She's getting close and working on getting a job, so it's acceptable. For now...
Her graduation was a special day. With Molly as the "baby" of the family, when she finishes one phase of her life, it's the last time we go through that with our children. We'll go through it with their children, but it's not the same. As a grandparent you don't have the same responsibility for getting kids to those milestones. You're along for the ride. So it was more than a little bittersweet for me knowing that the last hurdle of being a dependent child fell away when she graduated from high school. There are no more illusions of any kind left. Molly is officially an adult.... (long sigh; tear in eye). As much as you want your child to grow up and experience life, when it really happens it's incredibly hard to believe.
She relished her role as the holder of the special day status. That's not to say she wasn't gracious and appreciative of everything done for her, because she was. But she knew the day was all about her, and she was right. She looked beautiful and was smart enough to enjoy everything that transpired. Her grandmother is only two years younger than MY grandmother, and I had long since given up hope that Molly would get one of Ethel's quilts for graduation. She made it during Molly's first year of life, and held onto it until graduation. It was a wonderful surprise for all of us.
She's had a week since graduation, and put letters in the mail today looking for a job. It would be too perfect to find a job within the health care field, since that's the direction she's taking for college classes, so I'm not sure at what point we decide any job is enough. Maybe we'll know it when we get there.
So for now, the new adventure we're all on is Molly's job search as she begins life as a college student. She made the decision to stay home for the first year, so we'll get to go along, one more time, for the ride that is Molly Kaye. High School Graduate. Eventual College Graduate. She keeps it all going, enjoying the trip along the way.
Her graduation was a special day. With Molly as the "baby" of the family, when she finishes one phase of her life, it's the last time we go through that with our children. We'll go through it with their children, but it's not the same. As a grandparent you don't have the same responsibility for getting kids to those milestones. You're along for the ride. So it was more than a little bittersweet for me knowing that the last hurdle of being a dependent child fell away when she graduated from high school. There are no more illusions of any kind left. Molly is officially an adult.... (long sigh; tear in eye). As much as you want your child to grow up and experience life, when it really happens it's incredibly hard to believe.
She relished her role as the holder of the special day status. That's not to say she wasn't gracious and appreciative of everything done for her, because she was. But she knew the day was all about her, and she was right. She looked beautiful and was smart enough to enjoy everything that transpired. Her grandmother is only two years younger than MY grandmother, and I had long since given up hope that Molly would get one of Ethel's quilts for graduation. She made it during Molly's first year of life, and held onto it until graduation. It was a wonderful surprise for all of us.
She's had a week since graduation, and put letters in the mail today looking for a job. It would be too perfect to find a job within the health care field, since that's the direction she's taking for college classes, so I'm not sure at what point we decide any job is enough. Maybe we'll know it when we get there.
So for now, the new adventure we're all on is Molly's job search as she begins life as a college student. She made the decision to stay home for the first year, so we'll get to go along, one more time, for the ride that is Molly Kaye. High School Graduate. Eventual College Graduate. She keeps it all going, enjoying the trip along the way.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Time For Slack
I've struggled all day and know why. Last night was the awards presentation for seniors. I went knowing Molly wasn't going to receive anything, because two days before I realized we hadn't applied for anything. And by "we" I mean Molly, but know I should have been on top of this to keep reminding her to get it done.
And while I fully accept that it is Molly's responsible to get this all done, it's my responsibility as her mom to make sure she does get it all done. I've been so preoccupied and focused on Terry and his health that I let those deadlines get past me. While it's somewhat naive of me, I've tried very hard to make sure Molly's life has not been upended as she finishes high school. Life is tough enough these days, and knowing what's going on with her dad adds to what I'm afraid is becoming a heavy mental load. I've tried to keep her world as calm as I can, even when it puts additional stress on me to make that happen. Last night revealed my inability to keep it all together.
I really felt I had let her down by not having her recognized for her efforts. She may not have had the grades some of her peers did, but hands down she has been a person of worth who has been reliable and dependable with her commitments. As someone who has served on numerous boards and committees, that is no inconsequential consideration. I must admit I was very proud of her for going, even though she knew she wouldn't be awarded any scholarships. To be there to support her friends shows the kind of person she is, and that kind of person is who I'm glad my daughter chooses to be.
It was a valuable example to me that I cannot do it all, and I need to cut myself some slack. If I can accept that everything that's going on is too much for Molly, then I need to be as mindful of my own potential to crash and burn. If Molly crashes and burns I can help pick up the pieces. If I crash and burn we all suffer. It's just that simple.
So today, I am disappointed in myself for letting Molly down. I know tomorrow will be another day, and a better day, and I can try all over again to things to the best of my ability. It's all I can ask of myself right now. It should be enough...
And while I fully accept that it is Molly's responsible to get this all done, it's my responsibility as her mom to make sure she does get it all done. I've been so preoccupied and focused on Terry and his health that I let those deadlines get past me. While it's somewhat naive of me, I've tried very hard to make sure Molly's life has not been upended as she finishes high school. Life is tough enough these days, and knowing what's going on with her dad adds to what I'm afraid is becoming a heavy mental load. I've tried to keep her world as calm as I can, even when it puts additional stress on me to make that happen. Last night revealed my inability to keep it all together.
I really felt I had let her down by not having her recognized for her efforts. She may not have had the grades some of her peers did, but hands down she has been a person of worth who has been reliable and dependable with her commitments. As someone who has served on numerous boards and committees, that is no inconsequential consideration. I must admit I was very proud of her for going, even though she knew she wouldn't be awarded any scholarships. To be there to support her friends shows the kind of person she is, and that kind of person is who I'm glad my daughter chooses to be.
It was a valuable example to me that I cannot do it all, and I need to cut myself some slack. If I can accept that everything that's going on is too much for Molly, then I need to be as mindful of my own potential to crash and burn. If Molly crashes and burns I can help pick up the pieces. If I crash and burn we all suffer. It's just that simple.
So today, I am disappointed in myself for letting Molly down. I know tomorrow will be another day, and a better day, and I can try all over again to things to the best of my ability. It's all I can ask of myself right now. It should be enough...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Countdown to the End
Tomorrow is the last day of April. Next month is the last month of school and graduation. It does not seem possible it's finally arrived, even though it seems like the day before yesterday when she headed off to kindergarten.
With the end of the year comes end of the year activities. Prom was last Saturday, and was a lot of fun for the whole family. Terry borrowed a '69 Cadillac Convertible that was perfect for the tie dyed clothes they made to wear for prom. Older sisters Charlotte and Sandy showed up with their families at my mom's for pictures, and it was a genuinely happy time. The car and the flowers and the clothes and the family all combined to be a memorable experience that appealed to all ages, surprisingly enough.
I'm making Molly's announcements, and working on them makes it seem more real as well. There is Senior Recognition next week, and the senior soccer game the week after that. The third, and final week brings the soccer banquet and graduation. If I blink it will all be over.
I suppose with what's going on with her dad right now I've been a bit distracted with how quickly this is crashing in on us. I can't do much about his situation right now, as we're in wait and see mode, so I think I should focus on her for a while now. It's always good to focus on the positives and the good stuff, and seeing Molly successfully through 13 years of school and the beginning of her college years seems worth celebrating.
She's been chomping at the bit for most of the year for it to be over, and she's about to get her wish. Even though it's been a while for me now since I graduated from high school, I can still remember the excitement and the impatience to get it over and finished. It is no less for her.
So, for the next three weeks I'll take lots of pictures and do all I can to create lasting memories. My baby is no longer a baby, and is ready to achieve one of the first rites of passage in graduating from high school. Can we just slow it down a little bit? Just a bit....?
With the end of the year comes end of the year activities. Prom was last Saturday, and was a lot of fun for the whole family. Terry borrowed a '69 Cadillac Convertible that was perfect for the tie dyed clothes they made to wear for prom. Older sisters Charlotte and Sandy showed up with their families at my mom's for pictures, and it was a genuinely happy time. The car and the flowers and the clothes and the family all combined to be a memorable experience that appealed to all ages, surprisingly enough.
I'm making Molly's announcements, and working on them makes it seem more real as well. There is Senior Recognition next week, and the senior soccer game the week after that. The third, and final week brings the soccer banquet and graduation. If I blink it will all be over.
I suppose with what's going on with her dad right now I've been a bit distracted with how quickly this is crashing in on us. I can't do much about his situation right now, as we're in wait and see mode, so I think I should focus on her for a while now. It's always good to focus on the positives and the good stuff, and seeing Molly successfully through 13 years of school and the beginning of her college years seems worth celebrating.
She's been chomping at the bit for most of the year for it to be over, and she's about to get her wish. Even though it's been a while for me now since I graduated from high school, I can still remember the excitement and the impatience to get it over and finished. It is no less for her.
So, for the next three weeks I'll take lots of pictures and do all I can to create lasting memories. My baby is no longer a baby, and is ready to achieve one of the first rites of passage in graduating from high school. Can we just slow it down a little bit? Just a bit....?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
What It Means To be the Youngest
For the fourth time in ten years, I had to have a serious conversation with Molly about the health of her dad. As the youngest of Terry's three daughters, she's borne the brunt of the changes that occurred since he had his heart attack. She was the only one left at home, barely eight, and in the second grade when that happened.
He had been in the hospital for about three days the first time she saw him then. I had one of the nurses count for me, and he had 25 wires, tubes, lines, and attachments to his body and various pieces of medical equipment. It was pretty overwhelming to me as an adult, and I tried to prepare her for what she would see. I told her that all of those lines had a role in getting her dad better so he could come home.
A few weeks after he returned home, I learned she was waking him up when she got home from school. My first inclination was to remind her that he needed his rest, but I began to think about what it was that prompted her to do that. It didn't take long to realize she was making sure he was okay. She didn't have to wonder if he was only sleeping if she woke him up. One afternoon, on the way home, I asked her what she would do if she tried to wake Daddy and he didn't wake up. She smiled at me and said she'd call me at the office. I asked her if she remembered that sometimes I was in meetings and hard to get in touch with, and, not that I EVER thought it would happen, but if Daddy didn't wake up she should call 911, and then my office. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could, but all the while I was trying to reassure her that she wouldn't have to ever do that, I was really hoping that neither of us ever had to call.
Four years later when he had a 46 day hospitalization, it began at our local hospital with them not being able to initially figure out the problem. He'd been getting increasingly sick and weak in the past week, with two ER visits and an office call to our doctor. By the time he was admitted to the hospital, he couldn't walk, and was fearful it was something neurological. When Molly and I got home from the hospital that first night, her bravado melted when I asked her how she was. I held her while she cried, worried about her dad, trying to reassure her he would be okay, not really knowing myself if he would be or not. When it was determined he was full blown septic due to a staph infection that had invaded his heart chamber, he had open heart surgery and a 46 day hospitalization. She was in the 6th grade by this time, and I did what I could to keep her world as stable as possible, while mine felt like it was spinning wildly out of control.
Flash forward six years, and once again I'm debating what I say to her and when. She's lived the past ten years with a different dad than her sisters had. Her dad, who never once used his physical condition as an excuse, and who tried to be involved and interested in her pursuits, had limitations. He tired easily, and riding in the car for very long was uncomfortable. He didn't always make it to away games or events. And when the retching and vomiting problems started more than five years ago, that meant no plans were final. They were dependent on his condition and whether I needed to be close by. She's lived with worry and concern for him every day for the past ten years, because she's the one who's witnessed and experienced it on a daily basis. She graduates from high school next month, and there was real fear on my part at one point that he wouldn't be here for that. That part has been a blessing. He has been here to witness her metamorphosis from child to young adult, with all that encompasses.
Now comes the news that he may have cancer metastasizing in multiple locations in his body. I really struggled with when to tell her. Do I wait until we know without a doubt what's going on? Do I not treat her like the adult she wants to be? No...she's a member of the family and lives in this house... she needs to know for her sake what's going on. And when I talked to her she confirmed that. She does want to know whatever we know when we know it.
In talking to her, she confides that her greatest fear is her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle when that day comes....and I can't promise her he will. But I can promise her that despite whatever does come our way, it can never be an excuse for her to not live up to her potential in life. Her dad will not want her giving up or giving in if he's gone. He knows how special she is too, and wants her to have the life she can make for herself.
So while she's on the road to adulthood, she's still our baby. She's lived through more in her short time than many adults have, but it's helped shape her to be the person she is. She is empathetic and compassionate, and is committing to a life of helping people as a nurse. Whether her dad is here to see the rest of her life or not, he's helped lay the foundation for who she became as a person. Thankfully for her, and for all of us, he's been here for her and her sisters in that regard. They are old enough that he will always be with them in their hearts, when he's no longer here for them. Even Molly as the baby of the family will have strong and wonderful memories that will help her get through her life. Wish I could be sure she'd have more than memories, but with all he's been through already, I'm grateful for that much.
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